Wrong Instinct
by Aoiika
Summary: A what-if story, picking up towards the end of 'Twilight' and exploring what could have happened if Bella had actually been changed into a vampire by James' venom. The Cullens come too late to save her, and because of the circumstances, Carlisle is forced to give her an experimental drug. Everything seems normal until Bella wakes up...
1. Chapter 1

A/n: Hello, everyone. First I'd like to point out the usual: all content and characters were created by, and are owned by Stephenie Meyer. I simply write for fun and do not make any money with it.

And second, this is my first story. I hope many of you read it and enjoy it ^^

Important: the story picks up towards the end of 'Twilight', and explores what could have happened if Bella had not been saved and she had actually turned into a vampire by James's venom. I start at chapter 23 and then steadily start my own version.

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Chapter 23. The Angel

As I drifted, I dreamed.

Where I floated, under the dark water, I heard the happiest sound my mind could conjure up – as beautiful, as uplifting, as it was ghastly. It was another snarl; a deeper, wilder roar that rang with fury.

I was brought back, almost to the surface, by a sharp pain slashing my upraised hand, but I couldn't find my way back far enough to open my eyes.

And then I knew I was dead.

Because through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.

"Oh no, Bella, no!" the angel's voice cried in horror.

But then the longed-for sound was cut off abruptly by a vicious growl, resonating all the way to my core. It pulled me a bit closer to the surface, but not enough for me to find my eyes or my mouth. My ears were my only way out of the dark pool; until they heard an awful tumult that my mind shied away from. Wood was shrieking as it was being ripped, more mirror shards shattered to the ground. And there were loud snapping sounds, hisses and growls.

I wanted to turn away, turn my back to the violence and creep into myself. Instead I sank deeper again under the surface. But the cool dark water wasn't so cool anymore. There was heat somewhere, fire, burning…

It originated from the same place where I'd felt the slashing pain before; it was my hand. It felt like the side of it was being scorched a blowtorch. Then it moved and spread along each of my fingers. The pain was more intense than anything I'd felt before. I wanted to moan, to sob, but I still had no lips.

Who was doing this to me? Why? It hurt so much. Why didn't it stop?

Not only did it not stop, it continued up my arm, slowly reaching my elbow, then my shoulder, until it split my head open and the pain was finally enough to force me to make a sound.

"It's all right, Bella, sweety." Someone responded to my sob. It was only then that I realized I wasn't alone anymore. I tried to concentrate harder; until I could discern two sets of voices conversing in tense whispers. A high soprano and a soothing male one. They were Alice and Carlisle. The tumult from before was gone, I heard nothing but the voices.

"She's lost some blood but the head wound isn't deep," Carlisle's calm voice reached me. "Watch out for her leg, it's broken." I felt a sharp stab in my side. Where had my heaven gone? Where was the angel? "Some ribs, too, I think." Carlisle's methodical voice continued. "Hold your breath, Alice, it will help."

"But…" Alice started hesitantly. "Her blood, it smells strange."

"It's the morphine." Carlisle answered automatically.

I heard some shuffling sounds. Usually I could never hear vampires move. Maybe stress made them more clumsy?

"No, it's not the same." Alice insisted. "Something's wrong." Anxiety crept into her voice.

There was a short pause.

"You're right." Carlisle continued, sounding much less calm and assured. "There must be something I missed." He reproached himself.

I felt more prodding and searching along my limbs, until Alice's tiny fingers finally found my hand, which had apparently been stuck beneath my body.

"Carlisle, her hand!"

"He bit her." He sounded appalled.

There was a longer pause this time. A silence loaded with tense decision-making.

"Can we…?" Alice's voice trailed off.

"No, the fact that we can smell it means it has spread too far already."

Was he talking about the fire? It had to be. It was the only thing spreading through me. It had reached my second shoulder and was going down my arm.

"Edward will –" Alice's voice was barely a whisper now.

"I know."

"What _can_ we do?"

"There's no point in worrying about her other wounds now. I'll make her as comfortable as I can, then we have to get her back to Forks as quickly as possible. Changing on the road is hell; but changing in such a densely populated area is impossible, someone will hear her. We have no choice but to move."

Somewhere at that point, the fire reached my heart in an explosion of heat so intense I collapsed into myself and lost all contact with reality.

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There's a limit to how cold things can get: 0 kelvin, or -273.15 degrees Celsius. At that point, the atoms that make up matter stop moving altogether, and the limit is reached. But heat... that's a whole other story. The core of the sun is around 15.5 million degrees Celsius, and it's not even the hottest star.

The temperature of the fire raging through me seemed to have no limit either. It was rising so high I had to have turned to plasma, to stardust; nuclear fusion must have been happening with the carbon atoms that my body contained. Though sometimes, when I felt like my mind was going to disappear, incinerated; slivers of clarity invaded my stellar core. The cosmic oven made room for some earthly reality.

I was even aware of some -very remote- coolness enveloping my body. The coolness was quickly lost in the blazing heat, but I felt the temperature difference in some places: against the left side of my body and my left arm. It also circled my waist, and supported my back and rested against my right shoulder.

The fire was still in the foreground, taking up most of my attention, but in the background I was aware of vibrations, a low thrum. The sound wasn't new, but I felt it deeper than I remembered. It was the sound of an engine, of Carlisle's black Mercedes to be precise.

Then there was another sound, a kind of constant moaning, building up to sobs, to return to moaning again, with sudden fits of screaming. It sounded like someone was in pain. In fact, it sounded like someone was in as much pain as I was.

I was worried. Who was it? Who was hurting? It wasn't Edward, was it? Had something happened to him, to Alice?

I listened more carefully, trying to push through the blaze that made concentrating hard. It shocked me more than it should when I recognized it as _my_ voice. I wasn't even aware I was making the sound.

The shock made me shift my weight. The coolness around me shifted with me. The coolness around my waist and supporting my back, which I now recognized as arms, tightened around me.

"I'm here, Bella, I'm here." Edward's voice reassured me. I felt the vibrations of it through the coolness on my left side. I understood then where I was: cradled in his arms against his chest, in the backseat of Carlisle's car.

But that was as far as I got. I couldn't think any further. My mind was obstructed. Edward had said my name just a second ago, but I already didn't remember it. I began to lose my grip on my surroundings again, the pain was slowly taking up more room, my voice steadily grew louder, sobbing words I didn't even understand.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I'm so sorry." He sounded almost as agonized as I felt. "Carlisle," he spoke away from my ear. "please."

I'd never heard him put so much emotion in one word.

"He's not going to last very long." Alice's voice explained from my left somewhere.

Maybe a few seconds passed, maybe a year. Time felt eternal and distorted.

"Edward," Carlisle began, but he was cut off.

"No bloody way!" The sound felt like a whip against my left side. An infinitely small part of my mind wondered if I'd ever heard Edward curse.

"You saw what Alice saw." Carlisle pleaded. "You'll be no help to Bella if you lose your sanity. There's nothing we can do now but get her to Forks and wait for the conversion to complete. Let Alice take over and run behind the car for a while."

"No!" He sounded like a child now, whining because he knew he was wrong, but didn't want to admit it.

"She's probably not even aware of who's holding her, if she even knows where she is." Alice interjected.

"I can't." His voice was strangled. "I can't let her out of my sight."

A particularly piercing scream escaped my lips. It shocked me again. It reminded me of my leg snapping before, in the ballet studio. But I couldn't remember how it had happened.

Even Carlisle cursed at this point, and I felt the car swerve, lose speed quickly and come to a stop. "We can't drive any further like this. From here on the area is too densely populated again. People will hear her. We'll attract too much attention." He sighed. "Alice?"

"A police car is going to stop us at the next intersection. We can't get through with Bella screaming her lungs out." She responded. "But it isn't our worst problem. Edward is going insane!" Something close to desperation crept into her voice. A low growl/moan reverberated through my left side. The fingers left my right shoulder and pushed my head closer into the coolness, stroking what must be left of my hair.

"There's one thing we can—"

"No!" Edward interrupted Carlisle again, with more force and determination this time.

"It's all we have."

There was silence then; with not even the thrum of the engine to break it.

"What is it?" Alice asked. "Oh." She continued, probably seeing what it was through her visions. "A drug?"

"Yes," Carlisle explained in a calm and rational manner. "It's still experimental though, far away from passing health regulations. But it's growing to be the strongest painkiller we've ever had. Stronger than the morphine I gave Bella, which obviously isn't working. This is all I have left." He added for Edward's sake.

Edward moaned in time with me; in pain, like me.

"How will she react?" Carlisle asked. The question was probably aimed at Alice. Another year passed as they waited for her to see.

"It'll calm her down enough to avoid detection until we reach Forks. I can't see past that yet."

"It'll take away her pain?" Edward asked in a hoarse voice, hope flooding his tone.

"A…a little…I think so."

"What do you mean?" He demanded with a growl.

"I'm not in her head, Edward!" She answered shrilly. "I only see her reaction, not how she feels."

"It could paralyze her without releasing her from the pain?" He asked Carlisle this time, horror-struck.

"I don't know. It hasn't even been tried on humans yet."

The tension was growing too high for my mind to bear. The fire pulled me back into myself. This time, I knew I was screaming.

Years passed again at the core of the hottest, distant star. Until, abruptly, someone turned down the heat of the oven. I changed from the hottest star to a cooler one. The fire still hotter than anything known on earth, but it had in fact dimmed enough for me to pay more attention to my surroundings again.

"Bella? Can you hear me, Bella?" It was Carlisle this time. I was surprised to find that I was able to open my eyes, though my vision was awfully blurry, my pupils still burning white-hot. Five pairs of eyes were fixed on me. Edward and Carlisle were the closest, the most intense, scrutinizing every reaction on my part. "How do you feel, Bella?" Carlisle insisted. Edward seemed unable to speak.

I opened my mouth, but all I could do was breathe. I drank the oxygen as if it would put out the fire, as if I could exhale the pain, make it leave my body. It didn't work, and I squeezed my eyes shut again, gripping Edward's clothes.

"Is the pain less or more than before?" Carlisle continued in a softer, reassuring tone. "Just nod or shake your head."

I nodded briefly; the movement was awkward and jerky. I barely had control over my muscles. I heard and felt Edward exhale next to me. "Thanks, Carlisle." He sighed; then dug his head into my shoulder. I was more sensitive to the coolness now.

"Let's get moving then!" I heard Emmett's booming voice exclaim before I crept back into my bubble in Edward's arms. The thrum of the engine put me into a trance-like state.

I didn't surface again until the fire started losing terrain. At some unknown point in time it began creeping back from my extremities. The tips of my fingers and toes were released first, painless after an eternity of torture. The sensation of being pain-free was strange and alien to me.

Then, the rest of my limbs were also released, followed by the top of my head, my stomach, my neck… It was as if it was folding back to the centre of me: my heart. Once that last milestone was reached, there was a sudden silence, more penetrating than I had ever heard in my life. It took me a while to realize it was the absence of my heart beat and of the air flux in my lungs that made my body utterly still.

I kept lying there, for I did not know what else to do. I had been reduced to a pile of ashes for so long it did not occur to me yet that I _could _move, that I had control over a body of my own.

The stillness and absolute silence was soon interrupted by the feel of slightly warm fingertips against my chest, where my unmoving heart lay. Then _his_ lips whispered something. "Bella." He whispered. Was that my name?

_He_ was supposed to have a name too. I couldn't remember…

His hands brushed my hair from my face; my fresh and cool face. I revelled in the painlessness.

Then I heard the wood of a door crack as it was opened and in the next nanosecond I was standing in the opposite corner of the room, crouched and hissing at the intruding sound and smell.

"Easy, Bella." Carlisle smiled at me from the door where he'd stopped. "It's just me. You must recognize my smell."

My fresh mind whirred into action, examining the input from my nose. There were many smells in this room. The most overpowering and delicious one was _his _smell. I recognized it, even though it was very different from what I could remember. Then there was the smell of old wood and fresh paint, damp earth and crispy leaves, a whisk of some distant perfume, maybe in the next room; and also the smell I'd first smelled in a hospital, when I was being examined by Dr. Cullen after a van had nearly crushed me on an icy day not so long ago. This smell too, was both familiar and new. It was like discovering new facets of the smell, the dark side of the moon.

A half second later, I straightened out of my crouch and smiled back at Carlisle. Both vampires in the room relaxed their poses in response. I felt a wave of unnatural calmness wash over me.

"It's all right, Jasper." Carlisle said, apparently addressing Jasper, who wasn't in the room. "I think we're good."

The calmness dimmed, but did not disappear. I remembered now how cautious Jasper could be. I remembered…

"Edward." I said, as if the word was as natural as breathing.

"Yes." _He_ answered as his face lit up. He hurried to my side, and for once, I was able to follow him every step of the way, though it only took him a split second to do so. I couldn't resist wrapping my arms around him.

"Careful!" Carlisle warned me before I'd had the chance to squeeze. "You're stronger than any of us now." I immediately stopped every movement, suddenly terrified of breaking him; which left me in an awkward position where my arms were around him, but just not touching.

Edward's laugh rang through the whole house and he wrapped his arms around me in response, holding me tighter than he'd ever done before, as if he could melt our bodies together. I settled for simply resting my hands on his back, very carefully. Although I nearly lost that bit of control when he started kissing me like we'd just survived an apocalypse.

Someone cleared his throat at the door. My head snapped in the direction of the sound. I'd already forgotten Carlisle's presence. "I guess I can leave you kids alone for now." He added with a grin and closed the door.

I turned back to Edward, who was still staring at me like he was seeing me for the first time.

"You're so beautiful." He breathed. And then suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, his expression darkened considerably, and he averted his eyes as if he couldn't bear to see me any longer.

I felt a sharp stab in my still heart. "What's wrong?" I asked. My voice sounded unfamiliar to me.

"I'm _happy_." He spit out in a disgusted tone.

I was puzzled. Not even my new and advanced mind could understand his reaction. "I'm happy too." Was all I could say. And it was the truth. At this moment, there was nowhere I wanted to be more, nothing I wanted to do more, than to be in his arms and kissing his lips. I had not a care in the world.

Edward let go of me, and it was with extreme reluctance that I let his warm body slip away from mine.

"Do you realize what you've become, Bella? Try and remember the last few days."

I frowned. I didn't want to waste time on this. I wanted him to hold me if I could not hold him because of my strength. I wanted to kiss him and never stop. But I did as he asked, because _he_ asked, and because it seemed important to him that I would do so.

I let my mind go back to before. I remembered him in the meadow and smiled at the memory, though his face was incredibly blurry. The memory flowed into the baseball game with the Cullen family, the encounter with the strange coven of non-vegetarian vampires. I didn't like that memory so much as I felt the fear again, the panic as Edward threw me in my seat in the Jeep and raced me as fast as he could away from James. I winced as I got to the awful things I'd said to Charlie, then the trip to Phoenix, the hotel room, the airport, my mother's house, the ballet studio…

My head snapped back towards Edward.

"I…I changed." I blurted out as the sound of my last heartbeat invaded my ears.

He nodded, his face contorted in pain, guilt, frustration. "I was too late." He said with finality in his voice that iced my already stone-cold heart. His hand took mine, and I couldn't help but revel at the fact that it felt warm to my skin now. "I came just after he bit you. I heard your scream as I ran into the studio." His thumb rubbed frantically against my palm. "If I'd finished him off sooner, I could've been back in time to get the venom out, I could've –"

"Shhhh, it's all right." I said in my new lullaby voice. It rang high and clear in my ears. I hoped it would soothe him, take away his distress. "It wasn't your fault. You did all you could. If anyone should be blamed it's the idiot who ran off to meet the crazy vampire in the first place."

Edward laughed darkly. "You know, when I arrived at the airport and heard you'd gone off…just during those first moments, I was so angry at you. 'How could you go off into danger like that without me? How could you leave me behind?' I thought."

"I'm sorry." I said as I remembered how stupid and naïve I'd been, thinking James was really going to hurt my mother and running straight into his trap.

"But the worst is," Edward continued, "that I feel happy at this moment. I feel happier than I've ever been that you're here, that I can hold you, that I don't have to be afraid to kill you by mistake, or because of my desire for your blood. I'm so selfish that I'm happy to have you by my side forever; happy to have _ruined your life!_" The self-loathing was back in his tone.

"Stop!" I said, and had to stop myself from grabbing his arm. I could hurt him now if I wasn't careful. "You haven't ruined my life."

"Don't be absurd, Bella." He snapped at me, and immediately regretted it. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh. But you don't realize it yet, do you? You don't realize what existence you will have from now on. The blood lust, the secrecy, seeing your parents die, your friends, without being able to talk to them or say goodbye. Never able to build a family. And these last few days…" He couldn't continue. He was thinking about the days I'd just spent in agony.

I too, began to remember flashes, moments in the car, arguments and discussions about what to do, my own screams and Edward's agony at hearing them. _Edward is going insane!_ I winced.

"Yes, the past three days were hard. But they were necessary. All of you have had to pass that stage, complete the change. I'm…I'm one of you now." I finished tentatively, with a warm tingling in my cold heart.

This made him look at me again, looking me up and down, examining me from head to toe. "God, Bella!" he exclaimed just before he pushed me against the wall and started kissing me again. His distress turned into desire, he seemed to be starving for me, and I responded with just as much hunger, though controlled on my side.

We stopped when chips of wall began to break loose behind me. Esme wouldn't be too happy if we ruined the house.

"Wait," Edward said as I started to wriggle away from between him and the wall. "Stay in my arms for a bit longer." He begged into my ear. I froze instantly. I may have had superior strength, but it was no match against his tone. "I held you, all the time I kept you with me, from the moment I killed James and came back to you. But there was nothing I could do, it was too late already, it…"

My heart was tearing, the stone was shattering. It seemed like he'd barely survived until now. Alice's words were right, he had nearly gone insane, just as tortured as I was, if not more. Mine had been mere physical pain. I imagined our roles reversed, me holding him while he writhed in agony, and let out a defeated hiss of desperation.

"What's wrong?" He immediately demanded, panic instantly present. I shook my head and pushed away the mental image. I could not deal with it.

Edward sighed against my forehead. "Jasper is worrying. He thinks you need to hunt as quickly as possible. And Alice is impatient to see you."

I nodded and he led the way out of the room and down the stairs.

The first floor was completely silent. Rosalie and Emmett were standing by the window, looking out at the river which was partially obscured by the evening fall, but far from unclear or invisible to my new eyes. They also caught a reflexion in the windowpane, but I did not pay attention to it. I wasn't ready for the confrontation yet.

Alice was silently but energetically flipping through the pages of a magazine, while Jasper was leaning against the wall, regularly throwing glances at her and the stairs. And Carlisle and Esme were sitting together on the couch. They stood up once we came down.

"Bella." Esme said in a tone saturated with warmth. Her smile was equally tender and welcoming. "You're awake." She did not sound very surprised. I reminded myself that everyone must've heard me waking up. No vampire could have missed my very last heartbeat. "How are you, sweety?"

"I'm fine." I answered. I was surprised at how controlled and collected I seemed. Edward's hand lingered at the small of my back, slightly hovering.

Carlisle joined us and put a reassuring hand on Edward's shoulder. Edward slightly relaxed his pose. "Are you feeling thirsty?" Carlisle asked as he turned to me. But he made no move to touch me. Everyone seemed to be keeping a safe distance on purpose.

For the first time since I'd woken, I became aware of the uncomfortable dryness of my throat. I suddenly felt parched, like I could drink an entire lake at once. "A little." I answered carefully.

"I'll go with her." Edward immediately concluded.

"Maybe you should stay, Edward." Carlisle interjected gently. But not gently enough. His adoptive son still glared openly at him. "You've been under a lot of stress. Your body may be immune to it, but not your mind. You should allow yourself to shift your attention away from Bella for a while."

"I'll take her." Jasper joined in, shrugging away from the wall and approaching me slowly and carefully, keeping his gaze fixed on my eyes.

"I'll go too." Alice said, cutting off Edward's protest.

"I'd rather go alone." Jasper insisted.

"It's all right." She smiled and took his arm playfully. "Bella won't hurt me."

Jasper frowned, then looked back at me. A fresh wave of calm control overtook me. "I just think we need to keep the hunting party as small as possible. And I'm more suited than anyone to keep a volatile newborn under control."

"We trust your expertise." Carlisle said diplomatically. "If you think this is best…"

"I do." Jasper answered with determination, mainly directed at Edward whose hand was now clutching the fabric on my back. The same T-shirt I'd changed into in the hotel room, three days ago.

"Come on, let's have a wrestling match!" Emmett exclaimed as he slapped Edward on the back with enthusiasm. "Show me that move you used on that Ja—" He was cut off by a furious growl that came from deep in Edward's chest behind me. "All right, all right." He backpedalled. "Let's just have some fun, okay? I'll race you."

Everyone looked at Edward expectantly, until he finally conceded and followed Emmett out the door, but not before kissing my forehead for a prolonged moment.

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**Update:** Hi again. I notice many people pass through but don't leave any reviews. To be honest, it makes me feel like no one is reading the story and it discourages me. :(  
I'd be so _incredibly_ happy if you all just left a bit of proof that you've passed through and liked it. :) Pretty please?

I wouldn't be asking if it didn't matter to me.

Thank youuu!

Aoiika


	2. Chapter 2

A/n: Hey again! If anyone had to wait for the second Chapter, I'm very sorry. I have exams, so it was hard to find the time to write a chapter of decent length.

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**Chapter 2: Changing Tracks**

Edward leaving left me slightly bewildered and forlorn, like being abandoned by the only person you know at a new school. I _had_ been aware of his presence on some level, all the way through my transformation. It felt wrong not to have him near any longer. But I wanted him to go back to normal again as much as the others. The way he'd talked back in the room upstairs had made it clear how far his mind had been stretched. Even a vampire could only endure so much before breaking.

My breath was cut off by a sudden and overwhelming heat, exploding in my heart and spreading all over my body in one quick blaze. My muscles froze and my head snapped back to Jasper, who had just slightly brushed my shoulder to lead me to the back door.

I was quick enough now to see Jasper's eyes flash to Alice for the tiniest part of a second, his body tensing, ready to protect her from me. "Is there something wrong?" He asked cautiously, all suspicion and fear gone from his expression. More intense calm overwhelmed me, almost numbed me too much to respond. But my extremities were still tingling with the aftertaste of the acute pain attack.

"Yeah…you just startled me." I explained with a sheepish smile.

I noticed even my lying had improved since the change. But why was I lying? What had happened? I'd immediately recognized the pain, I'd been only recently released from it. But the venom had done its work. The conversion was complete. It was supposed to be over. Three days of burning was part of the price to pay. I'd paid it.

"Let's go then. You need to feed." Jasper insisted, but refrained from making physical contact this time.

It hadn't been easy for Jasper to convince Alice not to come. As a compromise, I'd had to allow her to choose my hunting outfit. I'd meant to roll my eyes and grunt at her ridiculous demand, but a growl had come out instead, startling me more than her.

Strangely, even though she'd helped me change into a new set of 'stylish but outdoorsy' clothes, she'd seemed very careful not to make any skin contact. She'd also refrained from making me look in the mirror. Had Jasper asked her not to do those things, or had she seen something bad happening if she did? Would I hurt her? What if I couldn't handle seeing my new self? What if I couldn't handle being a vampire?

Another fit of searing pain tore through me just before I heard Jasper call out my name and realized he'd caught my arm. I hadn't been paying attention to where we were going, or to his presence next to me. The pain shocked me enough that I pulled my arm away too roughly and hissed at Jasper.

"What's wrong?" He demanded once we'd both come to a stop. It was fully dark now but I could perfectly see the puzzled and worried expression on his face. "I don't feel the same emotions in you I used to feel in newborns. You don't seem very agitated or upset, only your reaction to touch seems normal for a newborn."

Could Jasper feel my physical pain through his senses? Hadn't Edward told me he only felt and controlled emotions?

"I'm sorry…I don't really understand my own reactions at the moment." I said, remembering how I'd hissed at Carlisle and Alice and Jasper.

"See, you're not supposed to be so collected!" He sounded frustrated. "You're supposed to be going wild for blood, _human_ blood. Not discussing your emotions with me."

I stared blankly at him. I wasn't prepared for this. It was barely a few weeks since Jacob had inadvertently told me about the existence of vampires. And now I was one. How was I supposed to know how they acted? How _I_ acted?

"Don't you smell that?" Jasper called my attention back to the surroundings. We were standing among the trees, on the almost frozen ground. Alice had put me in leather boots, but I was certain the cold and damp earth wouldn't have bothered me if I'd been barefoot.

Since Jasper had spoken about smell, I put my nose to work. I smelled the earth; I smelled the river, snaking close-by, the living wood of the trees, the traces of fur left by the inhabitants of the forest. I followed those traces, concentrating on the direction it took. I started moving to increase my smelling range. Jasper was right behind me.

"You should've smelled it by now. It should've been the first thing you noticed. You should've brought them down already." I heard him say, but more to himself than to me.

I didn't understand what he was talking about, until I finally sensed it. About a mile away to the west, something warm, heavy, viscous. A rhythmic rush of thick liquid, accompanied by heartbeats, some quicker than others.

We reached them in a few seconds. A small herd of deer, packed together for warmth. I stopped a few yards away, completely still. The animals didn't detect us.

"What are you waiting for?" Jasper whispered almost inaudibly behind me. "Don't you want it? Don't you _crave_ it?" His voice shook on the word 'crave'. He sounded pained, distressed, like he was fighting the craving he was talking about.

There was a sharp intake of breath, and then he was gone. The next thing I knew one of the deer was down and he was bent over it, his head lowered towards its small and delicate neck. I watched it happen. I watched how Jasper was so thirsty for the liquid I could smell clearly now that it was exposed, how he greedily drank it in a feeding frenzy.

I'd only ever seen something like it when my mother ate limes. Sometimes, usually in the summer, she'd start craving limes. And when she finally got her hands on one she would devour it like she hadn't eaten in weeks. I'd never understood it. I'd tried to taste the lime once, when I was ten, but it had been too sour for me.

My reaction here was not only one of non-understanding, but of disgust. How could anyone like to suck out the blood from a living animal? The sound of Jasper drinking made me wince.

I also felt slightly shocked. The deer had been killed so suddenly. It was so quick. I'd never been a vegetarian before, I wasn't against eating meat, but it didn't mean I'd like to see the animal get killed in front of me; life being drained away. Most people don't want to see it, and certainly not do it themselves.

I stayed where I was, yards away from Jasper and his meal while I watched in horror. Horror because I understood I was supposed to be there with him. I was thirsty, my throat was burning and it was getting very uncomfortable, but I couldn't do it.

"Bella?" Jasper had finished and turned to look at me. He was back with me in a split second. "Why didn't you attack? Was I too quick? Didn't you have time to catch one?" He wondered doubtfully, for in what world could a deer outrun a vampire?

"Yes." Was all I could find to say. How could I say it? How could I admit I was disgusted by the blood? It even made me slightly queasy. A weak echo of what I'd felt during blood-typing in Biology class.

"I'm sorry." He apologized. "I was very thirsty myself. It's been too long since I hunted. Let's go after the deer that got away. They can't be very far." He said as he started to move.

"No!" I exclaimed hastily. He froze and turned to me questioningly. I could almost feel it in his gaze that he was prodding me with his 'sixth sense'. I tried not to betray my feelings and put them away in a box. "I want to see Edward." I admitted. It was an excuse, but it was true. I really wanted to have Edward with me. His arms had been around me for the whole transformation. I needed that protection, that security again. I was starting to get anxious and worried. Something was clearly wrong. The lingering fire, the disgust of blood,…

Jasper scrutinized me for a while before giving in; but in the end did not seem to be able to detect what I'd quickly hidden away from him. I saw his hand approach to touch my shoulder reassuringly, and so I had time to brace myself.

The pain was no less for it. The urge to scream was almost too much to bear, but luckily his hand dropped away before any sound could escape my mouth. I kept my face smooth and my body still until he turned around and led the way back to the house. Once his eyes weren't one me anymore, I allowed the smallest shiver to shake me; a reaction of my powerful muscles to the flash of burning agony. What the hell was wrong with me?

I'd barely set foot in the house when Edward's smell and arms enveloped me. My own arms wrapped around his to keep them in place, though he was holding me so tight I didn't think he'd let go anytime soon.

"_Seriously!_" Emmett rolled his eyes at us. "I couldn't even get him to concentrate to finish one measly race." He complained.

Rosalie sighed in what I guessed was exasperation and disappeared towards the garage without a single glance to the rest of us. Me being the strongest creature in the house did not make her any less intimidating.

Then it hit me. I was a vampire. If I wanted to be part of the Cullens, I'd have to spend eternity with Rosalie too. I'd have to somehow live with her. But what if she never stopped hating me? I wasn't even sure why she didn't like me. What could I do? Would I ever dare talk to her?

"How did it go?" Carlisle asked Jasper once he'd taken a seat next to Alice. Edward pulled me with him to the couch opposite them, and Emmett, Carlisle and Esme also took their seats.

"I'm not sure. She doesn't respond the way I expected. Maybe the hunting trip was too soon for her."

I didn't like much being talked about as if I weren't present, but it seemed I was the one who knew the least about what I was and who I was at the moment.

"Bella, how much did Edward tell you about us, about our lives and rules?" Carlisle asked me.

I instinctively looked at Edward, not certain if I was looking for approval or reassurance. But he gave me both with a slight nod. His thumb kept stroking my palm. I turned my eyes back to the circle, all but Rosalie watching me carefully, but warmly. I felt a touch courage, not from me, so it had to be Jasper. He seemed to have given up on calming me, there was no immediate need for that.

"Not much. A little about your diet, about hunting… About other kinds of vampires." I dug into my misty human memories, remembering pieces of the research I'd done on my own, on my old computer in my room. It brought my mind back to Charlie for a moment. Charlie was a huge problem, but I did not even know how to go about finding a solution for it. I pushed it back for now. "I know the conversion lasts three days, but I did not know any details on the kind of pain…" I felt Edward stiffen next to me and immediately stopped talking.

"Yes." Carlisle continued, feeling the tension emanating from his adoptive son and trying to dissipate it. "We're all extremely sorry you had to go through this, Bella. None of us wanted you to have to join us." I felt a sting in my heart at his words. But he immediately added, "It is a joy for all of us to have you in our family of course." He left out the fact that Rosalie wasn't here to protest. "But none of us made the choice to live this kind of life, and it is unfair that you did not have that choice either. Your humanity was taken from you because we were too late." Regret resonated deeply inside his voice. I wanted to tell all of them it wasn't their fault, that I didn't blame them, but I didn't want to interrupt Carlisle. "There are lots of things that need to be discussed, that you need to learn. There are also issues at hand that need our attention. I received several phone calls from your father over the last few days. I have managed to convince him you and Edward had had a fight but that you were talking it out in Phoenix. But he will soon expect your return, and your friends must wonder where you are."

I looked down at my hands, intertwined with Edward's. I felt no pain at the touch of his skin. I wondered for a moment if it was only a reaction to Jasper, then directed my attention back to the problem. "Yes," I agreed, feeling like lead was filling up my heart. "Angela, Mike, Jessica…they probably noticed my absence." I saw their faces in my head, their smiles on the beach in La Push. I'd never gotten close to them, but the possibility of never seeing them again hit me harder than I would've expected.

"It's all right." Alice's bell-like voice had an uplifting effect on the general mood. "I see no big trouble in the near future. Bella can miss a week or two of school without raising too much suspicion. We can say she broke a leg in Phoenix. Everyone can believe that, and it isn't even a lie."

Edward's head snapped towards Alice and a furious hiss escaped his throat. Jasper responded by half-shielding Alice with his body.

"It's not a time for fights." Esme soothed in a soft but authoritative tone. I imagined that she would have proposed to make tea or coffee at this point, if any of us had been inclined to drink it.

"There is one last important thing I'd like to bring up at the moment." Carlisle continued, determined to get to the bottom of things. His expression turned more worried and analytical. Something I associated with his doctor-side. "Bella, you need to understand the situation was very critical. For your sake and for Edward's, we had no choice but to give you something you might not have accepted had you been in your right mind."

"Yes," I interjected before he continued. "I remember. It's okay though. I understand your decision."

"You remember?" It was Edward this time who asked me, sounding surprised.

"Yes," I told him. "I remember a moment in the car, I…know…how hard it was." I carefully avoided mentioning Edward's name. "I don't remember you giving me the drug, but I remember that the pain, the heat dimmed afterwards. It helped. It was the right decision."

Everyone seemed to exhale together, which was strange. I'd never been so aware of any Cullen's air flow. I still remembered them as the still and silent group in the cafeteria, staring at the walls; and feeling like there was some kind of secret conversation going on I couldn't follow.

"I'm very relieved to hear you say that, Bella. I've never been less sure if I made the right decision. I'd taken some of the drug from the hospital with the intention of analyzing it myself, not using it. But it seems we've been lucky it was still in my car."

I only smiled. I realized I'd have to tell Carlisle the truth at some point. He was studying the drug, intending to use it. He had to know the effects it had before he gave it to anyone else. But I still wasn't sure what it was that had gone wrong. Maybe the drug had nothing to do with my strange reactions. I decided to let it rest for now. I was starting to feel uncomfortable here. I was itching for something, I wanted something, but wasn't sure what…

* * *

"So, the Volturi are the ones who hold everyone to the rules?" I repeated after Edward.

"Yes." He confirmed. "Just the one rule, really." He adjusted.

The night was slowly evolving into early morning, and Edward had spent most of it explaining all the things I needed to know. I suspected him of editing out quite a few things he deemed still too shocking for me. I didn't push any further though, I made a few mental notes, knowing I wouldn't forget a single one, and decided I would ask one of the others later. Jasper or Emmett wouldn't be so careful about my feelings.

But Edward's behaviour towards me was making me…somewhat…on edge. I had been absolutely delighted when he'd kissed and touched me, before Phoenix. I still liked it now, only God knew how those lips still made my head turn, but…something about it now was suffocating. He was constantly touching me, constantly keeping around me, hovering, protective… And his reactions to others approaching me were way overboard. His mood swings making the whole even worse. He hadn't broached the subject again, but his guilt and self-loathing were clear enough in his eyes and stance, often it followed a sudden burst of passionate affection, like kissing me. I found that the more I responded to that passion, the guiltier and more disgusted he felt. But if I held in my own feelings and avoided his touch, he would be hurt by the rejection, and continue his self-loathing in a 'I deserve it' sort of way.

He tried very hard to keep all this from me. But the little things that I'd had trouble noticing with my human eyes, were much more flagrant now. Tiny eye-movements, changes in breathing, muscle-spasms,... All these were nearly impossible to miss. It was not easy reading him, but it was easier than before.

Edward's hand was still on my wrist. We were seated on the couch in his room, surrounded by all his music. But tonight, his sound system was silent. This conversation was important, and my new mind was so much more easily distracted. Just the sound of animals outside, or of others in the house were making it hard to focus at times. And my fascination with watching the small changes in Edward's expression made me miss entire minutes of explanation. He'd had to start over a few times.

I stood up and walked over to the window through which he sometimes left the house. I felt a sudden relief. It disturbed me when I recognized it as the absence of Edward's touch. Though I craved it, at the same time, I was able to breathe a little easier without it. I frowned as I watched a squirrel sneaking from tree to tree. Everything was still dark, but there was more action going on in the forest than I would've imagined.

"What are you thinking?" His voice asked roughly from behind me. A tiny smile appeared on my lips. He was still as frustrated by my 'silent mind' as he'd always been. At least one thing hasn't changed.

"Keeping the secret, the only rule." It wasn't like I would ever even consider telling Charlie or my mother, or Angela… But the fact that I was forbidden to do so, that this was an unbreakable secret between me and them, made the gap so much larger, the barrier so much more impenetrable. Even more so because I realized I could never see them again. They would see the difference, they would wonder, ask questions. Questions I wasn't allowed to answer.

And what I if I was a danger to them?

I didn't hear Edward move. I was slightly taken aback when I felt his arms wrap around me from behind. I sighed and slid out of his grip. He let me go. He didn't have enough strength to keep me there anyway. I didn't look at his face, I knew this gesture would hurt him.

"Edward, please…" I begged.

"You need time alone?" He asked, his tone raw with all the conflicting emotions playing inside him.

"Yes." I answered in a barely audible whisper. My own conflicting desires, wanting him with me and wanting to be alone, made my voice waver.

I didn't hear a single brush of fabric, not a whisper of air flow, but I knew he was gone. The outside air coming from the opened window invaded my nose, and the noises of the forest were less muffled.

I didn't mind the cold or the noise, so I left the window open, and went to sit on the couch again. I found that the seated position was equally comfortable as the standing one, but I was used to sit down to concentrate. Some human habits hadn't left me in the fire.

Edward had said that I didn't realize what my life would be like now, that he had ruined it for me. So I decided to use my alone time now to ponder that. What would my life be now? Could I use my performent brain like a computer and run a simulation of it? What variables did I need to input?

First, I had now completely switched environments. I would no longer live with Charlie, never return to my mother, never go back to my friends in Forks High School. I would live with the Cullens, go where they went, and play the same pretend-game they did, as part of their coven, their family.

Second, and this one was kind of hard to wrap my mind around, I would live forever. Or at least as long as living on earth was possible. It was ridiculous to even consider that yet, so I skipped it.

Third, my life tracks, which before were leading me to graduation, college, a job; they were gone. Wiped out. My existence would be nothing like the others around me, the ones I'd always known. I could and probably would go to college, like the other Cullens, but I would go dozens of times, maybe hundreds of times. It would mean less than nothing to me after some time, wouldn't it? And my experience of it would never be the same as my classmates. It would never be the real student life. The same went for any kind of future job I could get. I would always be a vampire first, a student or employee second.

Fourth, the physical implications. I was now much stronger, and would have to be more careful around everyday objects, and other living beings. I would no longer sleep, dream, eat food, drink water, have dinner with friends, have popcorn at the movies,… I would go hunting in isolated areas, attack animals and suck out their blood. Again, a sick feeling invaded my stomach at the memory of Jasper doing just that. How in the name of his freakin' holiness would I ever be able to get over it and do that? It disgusted me to my core. If anyone else did it, it was okay. It was the way it worked, predator and prey. It was natural for the Cullens. It wasn't for me. That was a definite problem.

* * *

**Update:** Hi again. I notice many people pass through but don't leave any reviews. To be honest, it makes me feel like no one is reading the story and it discourages me. :(  
I'd be so _incredibly_ happy if you all just left a bit of proof that you've passed through and liked it. :) Pretty please?

I wouldn't be asking if it didn't matter to me.

Thank youuu!

Aoiika


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: HuntingNot**

"Bella?"

My eyes were closed, but I could make out the grey morning light filtering through my eyelids. I groaned internally. This meant I'd have to get up, get dressed, go to the damn school again, survive.

"Bella!" The voice was insisting. How annoying. I'd get up in a minute. Charlie was probably already gone so… who was it?

My eyes flew open, the world of Edward's bedroom revealed to me in full detail. Of course it was his voice, how could I not have known that?

"Bella, were you _sleeping_?" He asked, sounding dumbstruck and incredibly worried at the same time. I hadn't heard that tone in a week, since my last failed attempt at hunting with Alice, when I'd run away from the bear who was attacking me, even though Alice had assured me it couldn't put a scratch on me. I just hissed and ran. It had made Emmett laugh for twenty-four hours straight, and Rosalie snort every time she saw me. But the others had taken it much more seriously, though they now made sure to keep their voices casual and light around me. But I knew they were just hiding their distress, just as I was hiding mine.

I'd gotten better at controlling my reactions to being touched. It turned out that every time any living thing except Edward touched me, I got a shock of pain. Needless to say, I was avoiding touching as much as possible, sitting in the single chair in the living room, always moving a step back whenever someone came close to me, keeping a touch-free zone around me. But I still couldn't avoid all of it. Esme sometimes felt the need to give me a hug, which would have been heart-warming hadn't I been in blazing agony every time. My heart was being scorched instead of warmed.

It also made the hunting issue even worse. Whatever anyone said about grizzly's and mountain lions being unable to hurt me, I knew better. The whole struggle with the animal would be intensely painful, as long as my skin was in contact with it. Drinking the blood would be sickening, killing the animal would be horrifying. Could anyone blame me for running away and saving the bear's life under these circumstances?

Only, no one knew the circumstances. I hadn't talked yet to Carlisle about the pain, and hadn't told anyone how I felt about the blood, even though my throat felt bone dry with thirst.

Edward helped me up from his couch. He'd left me alone again last night, when I'd shied away from his touch again. And now it was morning, how had that happened?

But I was certain I'd been to school yesterday, I'd had biology with Edward, had lunch with Angela, and Lauren had turned into a human-sized chicken and…. Oh.

Yeah, that was probably a dream. Wait…what?

My expression must've been one of utter confusion, because a deep frown appeared on Edward's face as he rubbed my upper arm. "Are you all right?" I made a non-committal sound. "Bella, don't lie to me."

"I…I didn't." I hadn't said anything. How could I have lied?

"You were sleeping!" He sounded almost accusing. "You didn't hear or feel or smell me when I came in. You were _unconscious_!"

"I was just distracted." I tried to defend myself. "I was just thinking…."

Edward sat down next to me and sighed. I pulled my knees to me chest to make room for him. He refrained from touching me, as he did more often now, sensing when I couldn't stand it any longer. "You're hiding things from me." He said sadly, looking at the opposite wall.

"You are too." I knew he was hiding his real thoughts. Everyone was. Only Emmett and Rosalie were ever honest.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asked, his voice still heavy with deep buried sadness and pain.

"Edward, you don't have to leave the house all the time. I just need some space. If I had my own room, I could just stay there and you wouldn't have to leave."

"No." He simply said in a robotic tone. "I meant, do you want me to leave for good?"

My eyes widened in horror as I understood. "NO!" I all but yelled. I was sometimes feeling a little crowded with 'Edwardness', but I never ever wanted to have to live without him, without seeing him. No, Edward…Edward was…he was _mine._ He couldn't go anywhere! He just couldn't!

"It's all right." Edward said a little bit louder for the benefit of the others in the house, who'd probably been alarmed by my raised voice. I felt Jasper's reassurance, the feel-good wave he gave me these days.

"Are you sure?" He asked, not sounding convinced by my reaction. "I've been wondering if it would be better for you."

"Absolutely not." I protested, intending to make things very clear. "Listen, Edward," I took his hand in mine and he finally turned to look at me, "I may have some trouble now, but it isn't your fault. None is! And whatever you may think, you don't need punishment, and I need you here. So don't go. Please."

His currently black eyes began to burn again with the passion that had showed itself from time to time. But instead of roughly pushing me against a wall or something, like he'd done before, this time he only gently brushed my cheek with the back of his hand and kissed me lightly at the corner of my mouth. I kissed him back fiercely, capturing his lips to show him just how much I wished he would stay here.

He pushed me back after a minute, I insisted at first, but then he put all his force into it, and I found that he could actually push me away. I was alarmed, and I pulled back before he could notice my lack of strength.

"Bella, Stop." He said as he stroked my throat. "We need to go talk to Carlisle about you sleeping."

"But I wasn't…"

"You were." He cut me off. "I know what you look like sleeping. I've seen it enough." He added with a twitch at the corner of his mouth; as if he were having an inside joke.

"What do you mean?" I demanded with a frown.

"Never mind." He shook his head, his smile gone, evaporated. His eyes were fixed on my throat again, which he was still stroking with a butterfly touch. "Aren't you thirsty? You must be in pain."

"A little." I admitted. I wished his fingers still felt cool to my skin like before. It would have relieved the burn in my throat a bit.

"I'd feel much better if you fed at least once." He said in a soft, but insisting voice, like he was trying to convince a child to drink bad-tasting medicine. "Would you do that for me?"

I sighed. How was I supposed to say no when he spoke like that? He was killing me with tenderness. "Let's go to Carlisle." I said as I stood up, choosing to evade the issue. I didn't fool him, but he didn't say a word and followed me to Carlisle's office, where I'd seen the painting of him and the Volturi a week ago as Edward had explained the rules to me.

Knocking wasn't necessary. Carlisle had heard me coming and he said 'enter' as I reached the door. He was sitting behind his desk as usual, surrounded by his books. I wondered how many he could read in a week. And even more dizzying, how many he'd read in his entire existence.

"Is there a problem?" He asked politely, letting his doctor side take over.

"Yes." Edward immediately answered, his worry seeping through his usually tightly controlled voice. "I found Bella this morning, _sleeping._"

Carlisle wasn't able to hide the flash of surprise that covered his features for a split second. After he'd recomposed them again, he stood up and walked around his desk, offering me to sit in one of the chairs. I realized with horror that I'd have to be touched again. But I did not protest and the man I would maybe one day call father began examining me, much in the same way he would've done with a human. Only I knew he was looking for very different things. The fire spread from where his fingers made contact with my body. I pursed my lips to try and keep a straight face.

After a short moment of inspection he turned to look around his office. His eyes stopped on his desk. "Could you lift my desk for a moment?"

It was a strange question. I saw that Edward didn't really understand. I would have been puzzled too, if I hadn't experienced my loss of strength this morning. Was that what Carlisle was looking for?

I stood up, did as he asked and put my hands under the desk, pushing it upward. It lifted easily off the ground, even with the computer and all the books on it…at first. It didn't take very long for me to feel that my muscles were straining to keep the weight in place above the ground; and just a few moments later, my arms started shaking. In my defence, it was a really big desk.

"All right, put it back down." Carlisle ordered and I was relieved to put the weight down. "It was hard for you, wasn't it?" He said as I turned back towards them. Edward was standing behind Carlisle, his face unreadable.

"A little." I admitted. They'd seen my arms shake, I couldn't really deny it.

"It shouldn't have been a problem at all." The doctor said in a grave tone. He repositioned himself so he was both facing me and Edward. "I have to be honest, I have never seen a vampire sleep before. I have no idea what it means. I'll have to look into it. But my guess is it's an effect, just like the loss of strength, of blood-deprivation. Usually, it takes much longer for a vampire to lose such significant amount of power, but you being a newborn, Bella, changes things. You lost a lot of blood before the change, the conversion itself takes up a lot of energy. The drug I gave you may have had more side-effects than we thought. All this amounts to you growing steadily weaker, to the point that you would need sleep again, apparently. I think feeding has become absolutely necessary."

"What will happen if she doesn't?" Edward asked, his voice strained.

"I don't know." Carlisle answered sombrely. "I've never seen it happen. The problems were always solved with feeding, and feeding was never a problem."

"That's it." Edward snapped. He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me out the room and down the stairs, straight to the back door.

"Wait," I said in panic, trying desperately to put it off. "Alice needs to prepare my clothes!" _Seriously, Bella? Couldn't find anything better?_

"We're going hunting, _now._" He growled, almost unhinging the door as we burst outside.

I couldn't find any other excuse, so I followed him into the depths of the forest, bathed in the early morning dew.

To the usual sick feeling and anxiety that accompanied my failed attempts at hunting was now added another kind of apprehension. It was the first time I went out with Edward, and I didn't want to let him down, didn't want to look ridiculous; which I would, being the worst hunter in vampire history.

Edward tracked down a few moose. And though my throat flamed when I heard their heavy heartbeats, I could find no trace of desire for their blood in me. The animals looked so meek and peaceful. There seemed to be no justifying attacking them. I was turning into a tree-hugger wasn't I?

Edward's hands wrapped around my waist, lifted me off the ground and set me down in front of him, with my back to him, facing the moose.

"Look at them, Bella." He whispered into my ear. "Do you hear that rush? Can you _taste_ that smell, that heat?" Yes, I could, but I did not feel as entranced by it as he sounded. "When you were still human," he continued, "your smell was…absolutely indescribable. The mere thought of it makes my venom flow. It was so sweet and enveloping, so potent, so warm… When I fled Forks, ran away from you, I thought I would lose my mind if I ever smelled you again.

Bella, you have to find that somewhere in you. You have an instinct in you, you were reborn with it." His hand wrapped around my throat. "You feel that heat right here? You can make it go away. All you have to do is use this." Now he touched my lips, slid his fingers between them and ran them over my teeth. I was thinking more about his touch, his smell, than about anything he was talking about. I had forgotten the moose entirely. I began sucking on his fingers. _They_ tasted good.

"Bella?" The surprise made him raise his voice, and the moose got scared away, quickly shuffling away among the trees. Edward sighed again. "Oh Bella. What am I going to _do_ with you?" He let his forehead fall upon my shoulder. His beautiful wild hair tickled my neck, my ear and my jaw. I couldn't stop my hand from moving up and stroking it. I'd done it, I'd disappointed him. A sombre feeling crept its way into me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered sheepishly.

His head snapped up suddenly after a few seconds. "Follow me." Was all he said as he set off in the direction the moose had taken. I did as he asked, still feeling bad for making it so hard on him. It was difficult though, I was significantly slower and couldn't keep up with him so easily. I fell slightly behind, and by the time I'd caught up with him, following his scent, he'd caught up with one of the moose and brought it down. It now lay lifeless on the mossy forest floor; the scent of its exposed blood was strong in the air.

"Come here." Edward patted the ground next to him. I approached slowly. I was grateful I hadn't seen him kill the animal, but seeing it dead was just as saddening, if less horrifying. I could only hope it hadn't suffered.

I crouched down next to Edward. I could feel the heat of the moose's body radiating from it. It was like an open oven, so hot. I was close enough to touch, but I refrained from it. I didn't want to disturb it, the silence and stillness of death. But Edward didn't feel the same way. He bent down over its neck, like I'd seen Jasper, Alice and Emmett do before. It was almost a tender gesture as his lips made contact with the skin. His pale fingers tangled in the thick fur, his breathing sped up. I was mesmerized by the image of Edward in that same feeding frenzy, that trance of delight.

It seemed to take tremendous effort to part from the animal's vein. But after a moment of struggle, he succeeded. Edward then turned back to me, his shirt still spotless. His fingers released the fur and now tangled in my hair and held my chin in place as his mouth crushed mine. He pulled at my chin, making it clear I was to part my lips. I did so.

The taste was assaulting, the consistency revolting. The viscous liquid flooded my mouth, coming from Edward's. My response was immediate. I turned away and spit it all out, covering the ground in tiny flecks of scarlet, and my clothes along with it. I felt it trickle from the corners of my mouth. A part of my mind thought I must really look like the Halloween vampire now.

But Edward's hands were immediately back, forcing me to face him again. He really was stronger than me now. There was a short struggle, which he won. He had to flatten me on the ground though. He was over me, pinning me into place, forcing more blood down my throat. I had to swallow this time. Edward released me briefly, and I tried to scramble back to my feet, terrified of having to endure more. He was back in a flash though, forcing me to drink even more. He did this five times in total. Until I was gasping for air, moaning. I would've been crying if I'd been able to shed tears. It was awful. I was scared. I'd never thought the day would come that Edward would scare me, but it had.

We lay panting a little longer on the ground, Edward still over me, but no longer force-feeding me. "I'm sorry." He whispered many times, stroking my hair at the same time. "I had to, Bella. I can't let you starve yourself." I looked him accusingly in the eyes. I felt childish for doing so. But I was angry. I hadn't thought he would _force_ me. I had underestimated Edward's worry and determination. "I'll do it again if I have to. I'll do it until the end of our existence if I have to. If it's the only way to keep you healthy, sane, maybe even alive."

"Get off me!" I growled. He immediately rolled away. I scrambled to my feet and only had the time to run a few yards before everything came out. My body convulsed, and I vomited all the slimy blood. It was only when my stomach was clean and empty again that the convulsions stopped. I slumped to the ground after stepping away from the bloody pool and buried my head in the moss, bathing my nose in the fresh, damp smell, trying to fight the sickness away.

"Bella!" Edward's alarmed voice reached me, his hand stroking my back. I didn't move, didn't turn. I kept breathing, kept fighting the nausea. Edward waited for a bit, but when his patience ran out, he lifted me up himself and cradled me in his arms as he ran as fast as he could back to the Cullen mansion.

* * *

**Update:** Hi again. I notice many people pass through but don't leave any reviews. To be honest, it makes me feel like no one is reading the story and it discourages me. :(  
I'd be so _incredibly_ happy if you all just left a bit of proof that you've passed through and liked it. :) Pretty please?

I wouldn't be asking if it didn't matter to me.

Thank youuu!

Aoiika


	4. Chapter 4

Hello again.  
I'm happy some of you seem to enjoy the story :)  
Reviews certainly motivate me to continue and to find inspiration.  
So if you like it, I'd be very grateful if you tell me, and help me spread the story around.  
Thank you :D

* * *

**Chapter 4: Half-blood**

Edward stormed back into the house with me struggling to get out of his arms. I felt fine again. I was a vampire for god's sake; I didn't need to be carried around anymore. But there was no way out of his grip, though he was having trouble. _Damn, I should've taken more advantage of my superior strength while I had the chance._

He could've let me down by the door, or anywhere really, but no. He absolutely _had_ to deposit me on the couch as if I were made of glass instead of stone. His over damn protective self had resurfaced.

Okay, I had to admit I was still angry with him. My mood wasn't completely justified. But I had _not _appreciated the force-feeding, the force-transportation. Everything was forced. It was like he knew better what was good for me than I did. It felt like he was patronizing me, stripping away any freedom.

On the other hand, I remembered the conversation from this morning. However angry, annoyed, hurt and even scared I was, I did not want him gone. So I chose the noble way and did not protest as I stayed on the couch while he frantically yelled around for Alice and Jasper.

"Edward!" Esme called as she materialized by the piano, her heart-shaped face lined with worry and alarm. It did not suit her. Her eyes were made for warmth and kindness. "What's the matter? The others went to school. It's Monday. We haven't solved the Bella-problem yet, so we have to make sure our cover stays in place for now." She explained.

"Carlisle?" Edward asked, almost as if he were out of breath.

"Hospital, honey." Esme answered apologetically.

Edward glanced back at me, apparently torn between two choices I did not know. I saw him deliberating quickly, but the argument seemed to go in circles in his head. Esme noticed it too and intervened before I could find a way to stop the endless cycle. "I can stay with her, don't worry." She offered. So that was it, Edward wanted to leave. Of course, he'd want to consult Carlisle immediately. Bella vomits a little blood, and suddenly it's all men overboard.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I had to remind myself that Edward was probably the one reacting normally. I had been scared and worried before. But now, some kind of 'whatever' feeling had begun to settle in. It felt like the moments when I'd been cramming so much for an exam, that I broke down and threw everything away until the exam was over. At some point it's too much, and you stop caring.

"Thank you, Esme." Edward sighed in relief after a brief deliberation. He came over to me and kissed my forehead. The gesture dissolved a little of my anger. Esme came to sit next to me and threw her arm around my shoulders. This time, after what I'd just been through, I couldn't stop myself from wincing when the fire spread once more from my shoulders through my arms, to the rest of my body. Both Esme and Edward were right in my face as she hastily broke our contact.

"Did I hurt you?" She asked, sounding rather incredulous. It was ridiculous for a vampire to be hurt by a simple hug, even from another strong vampire.

"Are you still sick?" Edward interrogated me. "Do you still need to throw up?"

"She was _sick_?"

"Yes, she didn't digest the blood I gave her. That's why I need Carlisle, now."

"All right. Go quickly then." Esme instructed him. "I'll take care of her."

Edward seemed even more reluctant to leave me behind now, but at the same time, he really wanted to speak to Carlisle. In the end he decided to put his trust in his adoptive mother and disappeared through the front door after another kiss on my forehead.

Esme was considerate enough not to touch me again. Though she seemed a bit lost as to what she was supposed to do. I could understand her trouble. She was now responsible for the care of the only sick vampire in history. A newborn that, by the way, also had slept, was hurt by hugs and was abysmally bad at hunting.

"Do you need me to fetch you a bucket, sweety?" She asked, resorting to what she had learned to do in case a human was sick.

"No, I'm fine. It's over now." I explained.

"What happened?"

I wasn't really sure why, but I didn't want to tell what tactic Edward had used to get blood in my system. I was still in some kind of shock; I still had to decide for myself how I would deal with it. I felt betrayed by him in a way, but knowing he was trying to do what was good, I felt guilty for being angry with him. It had made me realize something though. Edward…he wasn't completely on my side. Edward would do anything to save me. I didn't understand why. I couldn't fathom what it was that made him care for me so passionately. In my head, it still made as much sense as when I was a bland and boring human, which was to say 'none'. The point was that he would go against anyone who would stand in the way of my health, my life. That included me. Apparently, he'd force me to do anything if it made me strong again. Under those circumstances, could I still trust him?

I shook my head to shift those thoughts to some other part of my mind. I couldn't get them out anymore. I could think about so many things at once, that nothing would get out. Thoughts, memories, details; none of them would ever escape my head. It was like a black hole, but on a slightly smaller scale.

Esme took my headshake as a refusal to answer her question. But she didn't press for it. We both knew there would be a long group discussion once Carlisle was back. There was no point stressing about it now. Instead, she tried to get me to relax. Making tea or soup, bringing ice or giving massages were helpful in case you dealt with a sick human, but Esme knew that was useless here. Touching was a no-no anyway, and even if I'd been human, I would've told her I was fine. The nausea was gone. I wasn't really sick. Edward was blowing things out of proportion by overreacting.

With nothing else to fall back on, Esme decided to go sit at the piano. "I'm far from being as good as Edward, but I know enough. Just relax, Bella. We'll take care of everything." She assured me as her fingers started stroking the keys. A light and soft lullaby-like song filled the room. It really was nice. _Esme would've been such a great mom. _But thinking of her that way only brought my mind back to my own mother.

I suddenly found myself with my arms wrapped around my chest, hugging myself. But I wished those arms were my mother's. How long had it been since I'd talked to Renee. And the last time I'd seen her, at the airport in Phoenix… That was a lifetime ago. It was too long. And I wasn't even her daughter anymore, I wasn't human. I was dangerous to her, I might hurt her, I wasn't a harmless child. I was a monster to her, a predator. To my own mother! An alien that would outlive her. What if I saw her one day, by accident, taking a walk somewhere in a park? What if she was eighty years old, walking her dog, while I was still frozen at seventeen? What if she was a widow by then, old and alone, and I had no right to keep her company, to help her out? What if she'd recognize me? What if she _didn't_?

My heart broke. I stopped breathing altogether, the movement was too painful. My mother had always been my best friend. She'd taken care of me, and somewhere along the line, I'd started taking care of her. Saying goodbye a few months ago had been hard, but I'd never thought that it would be definitive.

I'd known all this already. The moment I had understood what I'd become, it was clear. But I was getting more and more scared. As if turning into a vampire wasn't enough, all these things that were wrong with me, the unknown, it was making it worse. And no one but Edward could comfort me, because their touch was torture to me. And even Edward's comfort didn't always help. It was slightly complicated. We were both dealing with lots of emotions and internal conflicts. The exile from my old life, from my old family and friends was getting harder and harder to bear. And at this point, it was killing me.

Esme's songs followed one another at the piano, and the sun moved slowly westward behind the clouds. I was unable to say how much time had passed when Carlisle's car could be heard coming up the long winding drive to the mansion. Esme stopped playing and came to sit next to me again, leaving a small gap between us. She seemed pained not to b able to hug me or touch me. Her motherly instinct was so strong. We waited in silence for our mates to reach the house.

The mood was unnaturally heavy when both men came through the front door to the living room. Carlisle and Edward were avoiding each other's gaze. It felt like they hadn't exchanged a word all the way here.

"You should've been more careful, Edward." The doctor started once the door had closed behind them.

"What was I supposed to do? I don't have time to wait for you to finish your rounds."

"The hospital is too crowded. You knew you'd be seen the minute you stepped inside." Carlisle didn't sound angry or reproaching really, but he was making it clear that something wrong had been done. He sounded like a father drawing a line, a limit.

There wasn't any time for a retort on Edward's part. Before he could open his mouth, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett had walked through the door. I hadn't heard the car though. Had they even taken the car to school this morning?

"It's all over town." Rosalie accused as she squinted evilly at Edward. "We had no choice but to come back, or they would've asked us questions we could not answer."

"This town is so small I'd be surprised if there's anyone who doesn't know yet by now that _Edward Cullen_ is back in Forks. The high-school-chick-pack is reaching new heights of excitement." Emmett said with amusement, the complete opposite of Rosalie. I sometimes wondered what they had in common.

"Charlie is going to be all over me soon." Carlisle sighed. "If he knows you're back, he'll want to know if Bella's coming home. It's been two weeks now since she left. He won't have as much patience this time." Again, he wasn't accusing or criticizing Edward. But he wasn't happy with the development.

"She'll have to talk to him."

Everyone turned to Jasper. It wasn't exactly the solution anyone else had in mind. I hadn't even considered it. But at his words, I found something swelling in my heart. I'd never spoken a lot with my father, I couldn't say we were close, but Charlie was still my father. I loved him, and I knew he loved me very much. I found I wanted to see him as much as I wanted to see Renee.

"Like you said, he's probably getting impatient and worried. He won't accept any excuses easily. But he'll believe anything Bella tells him."

"What about school?" I asked. Was there a plan forming in which I could go back to school? Could I pick up at least a part of my old life? Could I still see Charlie if not live with him?

But no one answered my question. Silence fell over the entire group; every individual completely still. We could all just have been furniture standing in the living room.

"We can't risk contact with humans yet." Esme started tentatively. "You're still very young, not yet two weeks." She tried to explain to me. I lowered my eyes. It was silly of me to feel disappointed. How could I have thought I'd be able to pick up the thread where I'd left it after turning into a friggin _vampire_.

A snort sounded through the room. All heads turned to Edward this time. "That won't be a problem." He said darkly, his expression unreadable. "Bella gets sick from drinking blood."

"Really?" Jasper asked, incredulous. His eyes began to dart between me and Edward, gauging whether he was joking or not. But Edward's tone, and the situation made it clear this was serious. "You got sick?"

"And she sleeps." Edward added. Not only Jasper's eyes widened this time.

"We need to talk about all this." Carlisle addressed me. "Would you like the others to leave?"

I shook my head. "No, it's all right." They would hear it anyway. I liked to think we were a group, a team. It was time I was honest.

The group repositioned itself around me, Edward taking Esme's place, and Esme joining Carlisle, who had put his doctor face back on, in front of me. Even Rosalie took place on an armrest with an earnest expression on her face.

"Tell me all the…symptoms." Carlisle finished, for lack of a better term.

"I don't like blood." I rushed out in a sigh. That seemed to be the most pressing problem. Edward nodded slightly in agreement next to me. "It smells disgusting…rusty and salty. It's like having to drink sewage. And I have no desire to kill. I don't feel like a predator, I don't see any of those animals like prey. And when I did drink it," again I left out how the blood had found its way in me, "it fired up my throat even more than the feeling of thirst. It had to come out."

Alice didn't seem as surprised as the others, but she still seemed unsettled. Hadn't her visions told her everything already? I'd come to think maybe she didn't say anything in respect for me, waiting that I tell it myself. But maybe I was wrong.

All the others were stumped. Apparently, none of them had thought that I had no desire for blood at all. Even Edward was still surprised by my words. "I'd thought you were just reluctant," he said to me, or to himself rather, "that maybe your instincts hadn't settled yet. I'd thought getting you to taste the blood would solve the problem." He frowned as I shook my head.

"You don't have the hunter instinct _at all_?" He insisted with the same frown plastered on his forehead as on Edward's and Carlisle's. "You don't… crave?" He gulped on the last word, his face seemed to have paled even more. He looked like the few drug addicts I'd had the chance to see in my life.

I shook my head again. There was no point saying it again, I just had to confirm their words.

"Let's talk about the effects of the lack of bloodlust." Carlisle began. "Just how much strength have you lost?"

I flexed my fingers, as if that would give me an answer. But I knew the answer already. "I went from stronger than Emmett, to weaker than Edward." I said clinically. I found it was easier to talk about it as if it were someone else. Carlisle looked up at Edward, searching for confirmation.

"It's true." He agreed. "She was stronger than me when she woke up. It's difficult, but now I have the upper hand again. I'd say she's about the same as Alice by now."

Carlisle now turned to Alice. "Could you test it? I'd like to have as precise a measurement as I can."

But Alice shook her head. "She doesn't want me to touch her." She explained.

I remembered then. Alice was the only one who had never made a move to make contact. Except Rosalie, but I'd been more surprised if she _had_ touched me. So Alice had probably seen me react badly in her visions, though she hadn't told anyone else apparently.

The time had come for me to explain that 'symptom' too. Carlisle looked at me for an explanation again. I found I had more trouble saying the words than when I told about my disgust of blood. It was more intimate somehow, more disturbing for me.

I tried once more to imagine someone else saying the words. It helped to get started. "The fire…from the conversion. It hasn't gone. Not completely. If I touch any living being, whether it's direct skin contact or through clothes or fur, the pain spreads again, starting from the point of contact. When the contact breaks off, the pain disappears pretty quickly."

"You mean…" Edward began, his eyes filled with horror, "every time I touched you…"

"No. You're the only exception." I countered. "Everyone here, and the animals of the forest, except you."

"What about plants?" Carlisle questioned.

"No, not plants." I'd had no trouble climbing trees. So, it wasn't every living thing then. "And then there's the sleeping." I continued, wanting to get it all out at once. "This morning, I _woke up_. First I thought I'd just been really out of it, deeply lost in thought. But then I realized I'd had a dream."

There was silence again. Emmet was serious for once. He had no joke to tell. He looked baffled, speechless. Rosalie was glaring at me, but it seemed to be more searching; like she was frustrated at not understanding, instead of being directly angry with me. It was a step up I guess.

"What do you think Jasper?" Carlisle asked with his eyes still examining me closely. "Has any newborn vampire ever had any of those…symptoms…in your knowledge?"

"She's not a vampire." Jasper answered promptly. He was standing perfectly still against the wall, with his arms crossed. He looked brooding. "I don't know what she is, but not a vampire."

Everyone seemed a bit baffled by what he was saying. I felt protest building up in Edward. He was preparing to defend me, as if he considered what Jasper had said an insult.

"I think he's right." Alice intervened before anyone could object first. "I can't _see_ Bella as well as when she was human. Usually, I see vampires better than humans. Her not being a vampire, or at least not completely, would explain things." This explained why she'd been unsettled, why she hadn't communicated what she'd seen. She doubted her ability when it came to me.

"Are you suggesting she's only _partly_ vampire?" Jasper addressed Alice, sounding interested, almost convinced already.

"She sleeps like a human, she doesn't have any of the predator instincts and her strength is steadily decreasing. She can't be _turning back_ into a human. The change is permanent. The only explanation left is that there is a part of humanity still left since the conversion."

"I agree with Alice." Carlisle continued. He was considerate enough to pull me back into the conversation as he addressed me. "When you say the pain is still there, it sounds to me as if you never really completed the conversion somehow." I just looked at him blankly. "I'm not certain of anything." He cautioned. "We don't have any proof. We're merely making guesses based on the information you gave us. Is there anything more you can give us?"

"N…no. I believe that's all." I stuttered out. I still had to come to grips with what Alice had said. Getting used to the idea of being a vampire had been hard enough. Now I had to get used to being half-human again? Who was playing these jokes on me?

Carlisle addressed both me and Edward this time. "Look, we don't know much yet. Let's not panic. We haven't tried all the possibilities yet. You haven't been in contact with humans yet, Bella. I'd say we try that out. I think it will give us more information."

"Let's have a shopping trip to Seattle!" Alice suddenly exclaimed cheerfully. It sounded slightly forced, but the enthusiasm underneath was genuine. Alice was always enthusiastic about shopping.

"I'll go with you."

The umpteenth surprise today: Rosalie offering to join a shopping trip that included me. I wasn't the only one frowning in confusion. But Rosalie didn't offer any other explanation than a shrug. Then she did what she did best, walking away with an elegance that managed to kill my self-esteem every single time.

"Esme?" Alice said as she turned to our motherly figure.

"Of course." Esme smiled brightly.

"Tomorrow then!" Alice cheered, not sounding forced at all this time. I didn't miss the tender and admiring look on Jasper's face as he looked at her.

"What about school?" I asked worriedly. Though I found that a shopping trip didn't sound nearly as bad as it would've in the past. I was looking forward to doing something normal again.

"We've already declared a family emergency when word spread that Edward was back. They won't be expecting us soon." Alice waved away.

"Maybe we could let another relative of ours die." Emmett chuckled. Someone had found their sense of humour again. "I could use the inheritance as excuse for an addition to our car collection. I've been thinking of getting a bughatti veyron. Those things look _awesome_!"

Alice rolled her eyes at him and shushed him away. He went to join Rosalie to inform her of his brilliant idea, and the others spread around, going back to their usual past times, leaving me with Edward on the couch. There was nothing to do but wait for morning, for the shopping trip to see how it would go. I wondered what I would feel like among humans. Would I see _them_ as prey? Or would I feel like I belonged with them? Or would I be a reject of both camps? Would my new life be just the same as my old one, not fitting in with anyone? Not vampire, not human, but some kind of half-blood?

I'd read Harry Potter and enough other works of fantasy. Usually, half-bloods weren't very well appreciated among the full-bloods. Was that how things were going to be? Bella: the freak, even among mythical creatures. Wonderful.

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Tadaaaam

So, I've got a few new ideas for the further development. I might change some things from the original Twilight, but bear with me ;) It's going to be fun!

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**Update:** Hi again. I notice many people pass through but don't leave any reviews. To be honest, it makes me feel like no one is reading the story and it discourages me. :(  
I'd be so _incredibly_ happy if you all just left a bit of proof that you've passed through and liked it. :) Pretty please?

I wouldn't be asking if it didn't matter to me.

Thank youuu!

Aoiika


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello fellow fanfictioners!**

I am calling out to you,

to help me and motivate me.

Please tell me your thoughts if you like it,

or give me some constructive criticism if you don't.

The point here is to share, and I'd like to do that with all of you!

Thank you so far for reading it!

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**Chapter 5: A Human**** Experience**

The information that had come out during our discussion was a lot to take. Not only for me, Edward seemed equally deep in thought. Until Carlisle came and insisted that Edward go hunting with him. He hadn't drunk enough blood, as he'd mouth-fed most of it to me. His eyes were still black. He told me mine were among the darkest he'd ever seen.

My flaming red newborn eyes had quickly faded with thirst. There wasn't any blood in my system, except my own vampire blood running through my veins. I could see them very faintly, snaking deeply under my skin. I did feel some attraction to them. I sometimes traced the lines with my fingers. But still, I had no actual desire to drink it. It was _blood_, and my own blood at that.

Alice and Emmett came to keep me company as the evening progressed. Then Alice decided that I should get a makeover before going into the city. She dragged me up to her room, opened another door and flipped a switch, offering me the sight of a beautiful bathroom.

"Let's get you cleaned up first. And throw away those bloody clothes, they stink." She screwed up her nose as she reproachfully looked at the shirt she'd given me, which was covered in specks of the moose-blood I'd spit out and thrown up. My hair was all tangled with twigs and dirt, from my struggle with Edward on the forest floor.

"Sorry." I smiled apologetically. I knew how Alice hated to see clothes being mistreated. I decided I'd make up for it by letting her shove me into any outfit she wanted the next day.

"There's soap and shampoo if you like, though you don't really need it." She informed me as she led me into the bathroom. It wasn't too big, nor too small; just the right size to be cozy and comfortable. There was a shower and a bath. I decided to go for a bath. I had all night if I wanted.

I let the water run. It was lukewarm, but it felt nice and hot to my frigid skin. Alice hummed cheerfully as she went through her closet in the next room, picking out things for me to wear.

"The annoying thing is we have to dress according to the season when we go out in public." She explained as I slipped into the tub and sighed in contentment. "Skirts and sandals are out. We need coats and hats and gloves." She continued thoughtfully. She'd dressed me in dresses more than once in the last week, at least I could ask for jeans now. They were more weather-appropriate.

Some time later, she walked into the bathroom and laid a pile of clothes on a low table for me to change into afterwards. Then she balanced herself with her legs crossed on the edge of the bathtub. Her expression was thoughtful, and slightly guarded. I knew what she was thinking about.

"Alice," I began tentatively, "you really think I'm half human?"

She made a non-committal sound, as if it didn't really matter. She tried to keep it light, knowing how quickly I worried. I wasn't fooled though.

"You knew I had trouble being touched." I stated. I wasn't asking, only asking for an explanation.

"Yes." She said with a warm smile. "I could see you flinch every time I wanted to make some kind of contact. I never knew what bothered you. I thought you'd tell me in the end."

I cast down my eyes, looking at my submerged pale body. It seemed alien to me. The shape was still the same, but it still looked entirely different. Like apartments with the same lay-out, but which have been differently decorated by their owners.

I felt slightly ashamed, not having told Alice anything. I didn't know her very well yet. I'd only talked to her a little bit when I was still human. But we'd strongly bonded during the whole James thing. I owed her honesty, which I hadn't given her.

"You saw other things?" I asked, wondering whether I really wanted to know.

"Not much, not anything that makes sense." She bit her lip for a moment, seeming to deliberate whether to tell me or not. "Sometimes…I saw your future disappear completely. It all went blank. I had no idea what it meant. I still don't in fact. It's not like when I see someone dying."

I swallowed. Dying. I'd thought I was going to die, when James had me trapped at the dance studio. I'd seemed oddly all right with it then. Now was different. I was dead, kind of, in some way. Or only half-dead. But I still could die.

"Mostly," Alice continued, interrupting my train of thought, "I just see blurry images, non-connected flashes. Nothing that makes much sense."

"What does that mean?" I asked uncertainly.

"The future doesn't seem to settle. There are too many decisions to be made, by many different parties, and since no one really knows what's going on, no one knows what to decide. But you, Bella, I can never see you clearly. You're like a shadow, walking on the edge of the vision, just out of reach." Alice's eyes focused on something far away, far beyond the wall she was fixing. Her eyes weren't clouded like when she had visions, but I decided not to interrupt anyway.

"The pain," she began once she'd turned her gaze back on me, "is it exactly the same?"

"The fire? Yes, it's the same as when I changed."

"And you feel it with everyone except Edward?" She questioned further.

"Yes. _You_ haven't touched me yet, though. So I don't know with you."

Alice shook her head. "I've seen your reactions in my visions. It was clear you didn't like it." She frowned for a minute. "Is that why you ran from the bear?"

"Mostly." I explained. "I also ran because it was a _bear_!"

She nodded understandingly. "You still see it the same way as before."

"Yes." I sighed, relieved that I could finally speak openly about it, and that she seemed to understand. "I didn't see the bear as prey. I saw it as a dangerous animal coming to rip my head off. And when I tried to jump it, like you'd showed me, I felt the…fire." I gulped as I remembered the agony. "I couldn't bring myself to try a second time."

I soaked for a bit longer while she played with the water, her fingers tracing intricate patterns in the clear liquid. She began humming again as I pulled on the layers of clothing she'd picked out for me. The large sweater looked much warmer than the thin blouse she'd given me before. And I was happy to find real pants this time, no skirt or dress. I felt safer, more covered, even if I didn't have trouble with the cold and wet anymore, it felt nice to be wrapped up again.

It was then that I was confronted. Finally, I wasn't able to avoid my own eyes. The mirror in the bathroom faced me, and I had to look at it. There it was: the familiar alien-like feeling. The feeling of recognizing a place you've never seen before, a song you've never heard before. Not like a superficial déjà-vu, but a deep resonance in yourself, knowing that you know this person standing in front of you, even when everything about her is strange. I saw Alice join the strange woman with the pitch-black eyes, so penetrating and dark. There was no doubt the girl was me. But those eyes were so… they were…I couldn't…

I frowned in frustration at my own inability to even put words to it. I couldn't make up my mind about what I thought of her. Who was she? What was she?

I could no longer bear those eyes on me. They were so dark, so hungry, so impenetrable. But I knew the fear that hid behind them, I felt it. I turned away from the mirror, dejected. "What's going to happen, Alice?" I sounded nearly whiny.

Alice bit her lip in embarrassment and frustration. "I don't know."

I'd dreamt again. I'd dreamt that the sun was giving off a surrealistic, blinding haze. It turned the world white. There might've been some childhood memories, but my human memories were so blurry already, that when blurred by the uncatchable dream haze, it was impossible to know.

I'd woken up this morning in a bed in what seemed to be a guest room in the house, realizing I'd fallen asleep on the couch in Edward's room after my bath and chat with Alice. I assumed he'd found me there when he'd come back from his hunting trip with Carlisle and had brought me to a real bed.

Having it happen a second time was still strange, but not so alarming anymore. Maybe I was getting used to being human again.

Standing in a shopping mall certainly made me feel human again.

"Let's go see some jewellery." Esme suggested as we walked from store to store.

Alice, Rosalie and I nodded in agreement and we all headed for the jewellery store.

It was actually a new experience for me. My mother had never worn real jewellery. She was more of a leather or shell kind of girl. She had feather-earrings too. No metal whatsoever, and certainly not any expensive kind.

Rosalie was immediately plunged in deep discussions about a collection of diamond necklaces with Alice. They both seemed to know a lot about it. They kept talking about carats and cuts. Alice of course knew what would go with each outfit she had ever seen, whether it was in her closet or a catalogue. Rosalie wasn't so attracted to the fashion value, more to the intrinsic value, and of course the glamour of it. As if Rosalie needed a diamond to dig an even greater gap between her and us mundane girls.

I tried to stay focused on what they were doing, but the entire world around me was screaming. Every footstep and every breath or word of the floor could be heard by my ears. My mind didn't know what to pay attention to. A human brain learns to sift through the information it receives and ignore what is not relevant. I felt like I needed to learn that process all over again. I reacted to every change in my environment. It had been hard already in the isolated Cullen mansion in the woods. Imagine what it was in a crowded mall in such a huge city.

While Rosalie and Alice were so preoccupied, Esme was just perusing the merchandise, but all the while throwing furtive looks my way. She was keeping an eye on me. That's why they'd all come, I concluded: the more eyes and arms to control me, the better.

It turned out though, like Edward had predicted, that there was not so much to control. Just like with the animals in the forests of the Olympic Peninsula, I had no desire whatsoever to suck out these people's blood. They were humans. I'd almost say _fellow_ humans. They did not feel like a different species to me, or even race. However, I could not detect the same…comfort…I'd felt around humans before. I was aware I wasn't really one of them, though it was probably more psychological than instinctual, more because I _knew_ I was different, than that I _felt_ I was different.

And in a way, I'd also become much more fascinated with them. Humans, they had many flaws: tics, physical irregularities, sick hearts or lungs… I could see and hear all those things. And of course, their smells were overwhelmingly varied. I'd never smelled so many different things. Their own body smells were mingled with what they'd eaten, that of their pets, their perfume… But underneath, their individual smells, completely their own could be detected by my senses. Their _blood_ particularly had many fragrances. But in no way was any of those associated with food in my head. The blood didn't smell like sewage, but it didn't smell appealing either, like a plate of spaghetti would have for me a few weeks ago.

I was able to interact with them quite normally. My social skills were still as mediocre as they'd been, I was sure of it; but the people around me clearly reacted differently than they did when I was fully human. It confused me, for I was certain I did not do anything different. I didn't trip over my own feet anymore. So yes, physically I was behaving differently, but my speech, though sounding nicer, was still as awkward as ever.

"Is there anything you like?" Esme asked me in a whisper as she saw me staring at some particular pieces under the glass countertop.

I shook my head. I'd just been thinking, and had no idea what I'd been staring at. Of course, everything in this store was beautiful, but the throng outside was more fascinating to me.

"My guess is they'll be glued here for a while." Esme said with a slight nod in the two vampire girl's direction. They had indeed not yet broken eye contact with the diamonds. "I'm sorry I proposed to come here if you don't like it."

"No, that's not it. It's very beautiful, very precious, all of it. But…" I turned my head to look outside. For some reason, I longed to be among the crowd. To move swiftly between them, unseen, observing. I felt shielded from them, invisible. It exhilarated me. I didn't understand it in the least. Was it a kind of hunting instinct maybe? Was it dangerous?

"You want to walk around for a bit?" She asked.

"But, you want to stay here, don't you?" I worried.

"I know the boutique's owner and I'd like to catch up a bit with her." She explained. "I think it's safe now. Amazingly, you don't seem to represent any danger to humans." She didn't add what consequences that might have for me. It was nice though that she looked at the bright side of it. It was indeed a big plus, not having to worry about killing anyone.

"Are you sure?" I insisted. I began to feel the thrill of adventure, of going off on my own. I'd always liked it, ever since I'd been allowed to go to school on my own. I hadn't been able to function independently for so long. I'd had someone around keeping an eye on me ever since James started chasing me. This would be a tiny window of freedom again. Maybe after this, I'd be able to accept Edward more. I wouldn't feel so oppressed by his presence and touch.

"Yes, Bella." Esme answered with an encouraging smile. I saw how she started leaning towards me, intending to touch my arm or give some other sign of affection by touch. But she soon remembered and pulled back again, instead infusing her eyes with even more warmth, since that was her only way of communication.

I thanked her and quickly slipped out of the store, probably too quickly for a human. It was my first time in public, and I still had to regularly remind myself to act human: fidget, shift my weight, move slowly. I had slowed considerably, my muscles having lost a lot of power, but I was still much faster than any human or animal. I forced my legs to slow down.

After a few minutes of walking around, looking at faces of adults, teenagers and children; and noticing all the different kinds of expressions they wore, I found that it would be more natural-looking for me to sit down to do the people-watching, for some store-workers would notice if I kept walking in circles on the same floor all the time. I'd promised Esme to not wander too far. We still had to be careful, what with me being a newborn in an entirely new environment.

I sat down on one of the many benches. A small girl with pink roller-skates on was enthusiastically licking her vanilla ice-cream. She seemed to be enjoying it tremendously, though the ice-cream did not smell appetizing at all. It was too sweet and thick. Human food seemed just as appealing as vampire food.

Next to the girl sat an elderly woman. It seemed safe to assume it was her grandmother. I wondered for a moment if the girl shouldn't be in school, but I was interrupted before I could think it through.

"Hi there, miss."

My head snapped around, maybe too quickly again, for the person in front of me seemed taken aback for a moment. But the boy soon relaxed and his smile reappeared. The boy had dark skin and dark hair, and was tall with sparkling amber eyes. He had the confident stance of a guy who was popular in school, the kind of guy who would never even have noticed me in the past, let alone talk to me.

"Uhm…hi." I responded hesitantly. Maybe I'd misunderstood and he was talking to someone else? But I didn't need to look around or behind me to know there was no one else he could be addressing. I was aware of everything just with smell and hearing alone.

"May I?" He asked, gesturing to the empty spot next to me.

"Yeah." I simply answered, feeling I should add something, but unable to come up with anything. I couldn't say 'well, you smell like dog', could I?

The spot next to me was narrow though, and he had to sit quite close to me. The heat coming off his body was like standing next to a boiling waterfall. It was so intense. And his smell was somewhat unusual. He did smell slightly like the dogs I'd seen today. But it wasn't an external smell of a pet, it was his own body smell.

"You here alone?" He asked, still in the same overly-friendly manner.

"No." I said. Then I remembered I should say more and added "My…family…is looking at jewellery."

"You don't like jewellery?"

"Not particularly."

First blank in the conversation. I looked away to hide my frown. What did this guy want?

"It wouldn't suit you anyway." He stated. "It would only lessen your beauty."

If I'd been human, I would've choked on my own tongue at that point. But being in control of my body, I was able to internalize my shock and simply stared at him with what I hoped was an impenetrable expression. My coal black eyes had been impenetrable when I'd seen them the day before.

"You don't believe me?" He asked. Had he noticed my reaction?

"I…well…no." I was starting to feel the urge to walk away and swiftly disappear out of this human's sight. But it would be unwise to act so 'inhumane' in such a public place.

"How is that possible?" He wondered. It disturbed me even more to see he was genuinely confused, not just flattering me. I had, of course, no answer to his question.

"What's your name?" He asked politely.

"Bella." I said before I could think. Should I use a nickname? I hadn't asked Esme that.

"I'm Kellen." He offered me his hand to shake it. Of course, there was no way I could touch him. It would torture me. "I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable." He apologized after retracting his hand. "You simply struck me as being _really_ beautiful." His eyes sparkled like the diamonds I'd just seen at the store. "More than I've ever seen. Could…could I have your number?"

"No." Was my knee-jerk answer. "Sorry." I added with an apologetic smile in an attempt at sounding less harsh.

"Oh." He seemed genuinely disappointed. "All right then." He didn't insist as he got up again. Then suddenly, a grin appeared on his face as he turned around one last time. "By the way, I live at the reservation of La Push. So you know where to find me." And with that he walked away and blended into the crowd.

I was dumbstruck, partly by what had just happened, and partly by what he'd just said. _La Push…he must know Jacob Black_. Or was it wrong to assume they all knew each other? But I'd given him my real name. He didn't seem to know me or have recognized my name, but what if somehow he got word back to La Push that he'd seen me in Seattle? What if he told about me and Billy or Jacob Black, or the Clearwaters, or anyone who knew Charlie, and they recognized it?

I'd been stupid and reckless. I was supposed to have superior intelligence, or something like it. I certainly had showed no evidence of that right then.

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Any thoughts? If there are questions, I'll answer them in an update.

Everyone is welcome!

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**Update:**

**In need of some encouragement for the next part :(  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/n: **Thanks so much for all the reviews! :D I'm ecstatic!

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**Chapter 6: An Important Call**

Someone, sometime, somewhere said: "Not moving forward is standing still, and standing still is going backwards." The idea is planted in the human mind that it needs to rush through life, living every millisecond of it, for in death, all things end.

Whether this saying was wise or true, I'd never found out. I hadn't been one to preoccupy myself with the search for truth, or whatever it was what philosophers did. I was inclined to say that each person has his or her own perception of the world and of what is to be expected of life, what is the goal. I never thought there was a rule for how it should be lived.

In my new state of existence, this phrase suddenly came to me. It seemed to relate to the changes I'd gone through. For me, and my new family, there was no need to rush through things any longer. We had all the time in the world. We could live many lives, over and over. Each time we finished one, we had to get back to the start. In that aspect we were effectively standing still, never able to cross that last boundary.

But we were moving forward in our lives too. I was aware I had now the possibility to read every existing book, or learn how to play every existing instrument, try out every hobby, see every country and city, and still have time left over. Who knew when the end would come for me?

Unless of course, I wasn't so safe from death as I thought. Carlisle didn't know what would happen if I couldn't find a way to sustain my body. In theory though, even a vampire can starve to death. In practice, a vampire's instincts would take over before it got that far and it would attack anything in sight to find blood. Instincts which, I was pretty sure, I had not (or not entirely) inherited.

I sighed. It was so much to think about. Maybe I could become a philosopher. Maybe that would be a useful way to spend eternity.

I frowned. I realized I was staring at a cell-phone, which lay in my hand. The strange thing was, I could not remember what it was I was doing, standing in the Cullen living room with this silver cell-phone in my hand.

"Bella?" Carlisle spoke to me. My head snapped up to look at him. Jasper, Alice and Edward were there too. "Are you having doubts?" Carlisle asked, looking concernedly at my features.

_Oh!_ I remembered then: I was supposed to call Charlie. How the hell I'd been able to wander off to philosophic musings in the few seconds I'd been holding the phone was a mystery to me. I concluded that I still had to learn to deal with my overactive mind.

"No, I'm fine." I answered automatically.

But… it was _Charlie_ though. I had to call him, talk to him. The plan was that I would tell him I'd been keeping up with school through correspondence, studying on my own in Phoenix at mom's empty house, because I was still too distressed by my big ugly fight with Edward to come back to Forks and face the entire Cullen family.

If all the Cullens played along, and if I sent a few mails to Angela and other classmates to ask for some notes or help, there was no reason why Charlie wouldn't believe it. Oh …. Yeah… my abysmal lying skills could in fact be reason enough.

_It's all right._ I told myself and inhaled automatically to try to relax. _Charlie isn't a polygraph, he can't know I'm lying through the phone…can he?_

I looked up at Alice once more with a questioning look. She patiently told me for the third time already that it would go fine. Charlie would be disappointed and sad, but he wouldn't let it show. He would certainly not suspect his daughter was lying. I had no apparent motive for doing so.

It took me about a second to dial the number and had to remember to slowly put the phone to my ear, so as not to crush it against my stony skull.

"Chief Swan." I heard him mumble. The other Cullens around me tensed as they heard his voice. He didn't seem to be in a good mood.

For about a second I was distracted again. Talking on the phone was so confusing. I could hear every sound in the room where Charlie was, which considering the many voices in the background had to be his office. I heard a woman and a young man talking about a recent string of sightings of unusually large animals in the forest, apparently unidentified.

"Hey dad." I said as roughly as possible, to try and make my soft musical voice sound more like my old one. I bit my lip as I waited an impossibly long time for an answer. Edward pressed his fingers to my lips to stop me from biting through my own flesh.

"Wai…wh…_Bella?_" He sounded very hesitant, but I was happier than I'd expected that he at least recognized me.

"Yes, dad, it's me." I stood perfectly still as I calmly exchanged some basic greetings, then fed him my story. I added some unimportant details to colour it in. I hated that he accepted it so quickly.

"All right, Bells. But know you can come back whenever you want, Don't worry about school, I'll make sure you can jump right back in. I've heard from Mrs. Newton her son has been complaining about your absence."

I cringed and glanced at Edward. His eyes narrowed infinitesimally, but he kept his gaze steady and never wavered. I turned away from all of them and faced the window. It was easier to focus on Charlie like this.

"Thanks dad. Really, it means a lot to me." I liked that I had good control of my voice. I felt a wave of emotion unfurl in me and the last thing I wanted was my voice to break.

There was a somewhat longer pause. My show of emotion had probably startled him.

"Bella…" He said with the same voice he used whenever he was frowning at something that bothered him. "You sound different, sweety… Is everything all right?"

I made sure not to answer too quickly. Edward had told me it was a sign of untruthfulness if one was too hasty.

"I'm fine, dad. Don't worry. I'm focusing on studying, far away from my worries. I'm much better now." I couldn't hold back a slight smile as I added, "Though your diet without me worries me."

Charlie scoffed over the phone. "I'm a grown man, Bella. Besides, Harry and I have caught more fish than we can eat. I know how to prepare fish. I can take care of myself."

"Good." I nodded both at him and at myself, though he couldn't see it of course. "I'll keep in touch, okay?"

"See you, Isabella." He finished, using my full name, and then the line disconnected after I'd heard another voice in the background complain about an enormous bear he'd seen east of first beach.

The silence of the Cullen mansion was complete, compared to the commotion at the police station I'd just been exposed to. I handed the phone back to Carlisle, who seemed pleased that he would no longer have to endure any questions from my father. He nodded approvingly.

"See, it wasn't so bad, was it?" Alice chimed. She flashed me her sparkly white teeth in a reassuring smile. I nodded, relieved that it was over, but with a knot in my stomach.

The knot would never go away though. From now on, I would have to lie every single day of my life. Another thing I would have to get used to.

Despite that prospect, I felt a little lighter now that this worry was behind me…for now. I turned my attention to Edward. The piece of my mind that had been fretting over the Charlie issue was now invaded by a wave of silent admiration. Sometimes, it hit me as unexpectedly as a piano falling out of the sky: Edward's mesmerizing, godly beauty. The mystery that had hung around him while I still had no idea what he was had thinned considerably, but his personality still kept him shrouded in some invisible veil.

I found that in that particular moment, any other thought and problem disappeared from my conscious mind and I moved by his side, never losing sight of his golden eyes. They were cold and filled with worry, but once they caught sight of my own passion, they responded by warming up, melting slightly. His eyes smiled at me, bored into me, and at the same time, let me in.

I came to stand in front of him, so close that he just had to raise his arms to touch my elbow. But before we could get any deeper into each other, Carlisle cleared his throat, making it clear he needed our attention just a little longer.

I snapped out of my trance-like state, but stayed close to Edward. From the corner of my eye, I saw the glimmer of a smile around his lips when I slid my fingers in between his. He gripped them tightly in response.

"I heard something over the phone that worries me." Carlisle began, addressing Jasper, Edward and Alice in particular. I did not yet know much about vampire life, and I was often left out of conversations. I understood why though, and paid close attention to learn as much as I could. "Those conversations about big animals hanging around the reservation…" He trailed off with a significant look in his eyes.

I felt Edward react to Carlisle's unspoken thoughts. His fingers tensed up, but he was careful not to crush my hand. Even though he could do little damage now.

"That was a long time ago." Edward said gravely. Clearly he was not happy with what Carlisle was implying.

"But the descriptions and the place." Carlisle insisted. "What else could it be?"

"Hikers tend to exaggerate about their adventures." I jumped in. I didn't know what they were talking about, but I felt like I needed to say something, to not fade away into the background.

"Wait," Alice interrupted, "What do you mean, Carlisle?" She asked. Not being used to not knowing, she was ten times more annoyed than me when excluded.

"I mean that we could have the same problem we had the last time we were in Forks, when you and Jasper hadn't joined us yet."

Jasper frowned at this, not like he was confused, but like he was concerned and unhappy. He'd understood. And from Alice's expression, she too had understood and showed the same emotions.

"What?" I finally asked. "Why would you care about the animals? Has it to do with hunting?" Were they concerned that they were disturbing the ecosystem in some way. Bu what connection was there with a bunch of large unidentified animals, or possibly bears.

Edward was the one who turned to me. "I didn't tell you this part yet, because I didn't think it was important, and I didn't want to overwhelm you with too many new things." He began apologetically. "Do you remember when you told me about the story that your…friend… from the reservation told you?" There was a ghost of an amused smile as he remembered my bizarre attempt at flirting with Jacob Black, that day at the beach with my classmates. A very simple outing, so impossibly long ago.

"Yes." I answered, feeling a pang of nostalgia. I began to understand what the Cullens meant, every time they talked about missing 'human moments'.

"Do you remember other things he said? Did he talk about other legends, besides the one about us?" Edward continued, leading me somewhere I didn't know.

I had to think for a while, rewind into the more blurry parts which had been recorded with human senses. Jacob's voice sounded unclear as he told me again of the cold ones, of the flood and the canoes, about his people.

"I'm not sure. I think he told me two different stories about the origins of the Quileutes." Which one was it that Edward was talking about?

"Was there something about wolves?" He inquired.

"Yes!" I nodded, finally remembering. "He talked about ancestors who turned into wolves. He said it was still against tribal law to kill them."

"Well," Edward hesitated, as if he thought I wouldn't like to hear what he had to say, "that legend was also true, just like the one about us."

I raised a sceptic eyebrow at him, then turned to the others. No one yelled 'Gotcha!'. It would've been a strange timing for a joke anyway. But still…

"What exactly do you mean? That they descended from wolves? What about evolution?" What about some good old science? Didn't evidence and scientific data mean anything anymore?

"No, not exactly." Edward shook his head. "Whether _that's_ true, I seriously doubt. We have no idea how it happened, but some of them carry a gene, and it allows them to mutate. We don't know when or why it happens, but it did the last time we settled here."

"You're saying that…" I imagined it first, before saying it. Somehow, I couldn't say it before believing it was true, and I couldn't decide whether it was before trying to picture it.

"They're werewolves." Jasper finished for me.

There. The word had come out.

It had taken me some time to get used to saying 'vampire', not to refer to a mythical creature, but to actual people I knew. It felt like I was getting into that process all over again with 'werewolf'.

"You can't possibly mean that _Jacob_ is a…a…_werewolf_!" I hissed the last word.

The others seemed to react to the word too. They showed contempt. An immediate need to defend Jacob, defend my father's friends, flared up. It was just as unexpected as that same piano falling out of the sky, right onto my head.

"We have no way to know if he has already changed," Carlisle joined in, as if he could feel some tension in the air and wanted to smooth it out, "or if he even will change, but if there are werewolves again among the Quileutes, it is very likely he will at some point undergo the transmutation."

"Why?" I questioned. It sounded like something bad, a curse. I couldn't imagine that Jacob, the sweet and easygoing kid from the beach, deserved such thing. He liked building cars for god's sake. That wasn't something mythical monsters did!

"Because he's a descendant from Ephraim Black, who was the leader of the pack back in the day." Edward explained. He smoothed out my frozen hand in his, rubbing out the tension there.

_Oh God! Werewolves exist!_

I tried to shape some order into the many thoughts and questions flooding my upper chamber.

"So, what does this mean? What if there are werewolves? Why is it a problem?" I asked, seeing as they were so unhappy about the possibility.

"Because vampires and werewolves don't mix." Jasper took over. "I've fought packs several times. They're wild and beastly. They're volatile. But they're also insanely well-synchronized. They're a real danger to us." He concluded with a worried side glance at Alice. They clung together, both feeling the urge to unite against the possible threat.

A feeling of horror slowly began to creep its way into my permanently empty stomach. Enemies? Jacob? Billy in the wheelchair? Harry who went fishing with Charlie? How could they be enemies, monsters? Were they a danger to the people of Forks? Would they attack the hikers in the forest? What about Charlie? He spent a lot of time there. I couldn't let him walk right into a village filled with huge and wild wolves!

"Bella, stop!" Edward's voice called out to me from far away.

"What?" I said, confused.

"Stop worrying! Spare your energy." His hands now moved to my shoulders, rubbing them too. I began to feel crowded with 'Edwardness' again. I didn't want a backrub and an order to not worry. That was not going to solve any problems. They could not suddenly tell me that the people I had known my entire life were big dangerous monsters and expect me to take it well.

"I thought you couldn't get into my head!" I accused and pulled away. Edward's hands fell slack to his sides. His expression darkened once again, making the other part of me which wasn't busy with being annoyed and worried, feel guilty and torn for hurting him.

"I don't." He replied sombrely. "But I've gotten better at reading your body language."

There was a very short and tense silence, before Jasper hastily picked up the thread of the conversation.

"What are we going to do about this?" I could see him planning out strategies already.

"For now, nothing." Carlisle replied. "Technically, the treaty is still in force. _If_ there is a pack forming once again on the reservation, and _if_ they decide to cross onto our side, we'll simply have to remind them of it."

"Wait!" I interjected. I felt I was missing a major part. How could Carlisle think that doing nothing was all right? "What about the people! What about my father! If he's in danger on the reservation, we need to do something!"

A feeling of calm suddenly numbed my mind. Accompanying the feeling with words, Jasper answered my concerns. "They're technically only a danger to vampires. They want to protect their tribe. Carlisle made a treaty with Ephraim a long time ago to keep the peace and the right to stay in Forks. As long as none of us bites a human and we don't cross the line onto their lands, they will leave us alone. They have no intention of attacking humans. But as I said, they're volatile and immature." He snorted, showing his contempt again. "I know of cases where humans got hurt."

Jasper's words…bothered me. A second ago, I had been worried about the werewolves being monsters, but I still didn't like the idea that Jacob and Billy and Harry were being criticized. (If they even were werewolves to begin with). Moreover, Jasper talked of them hurting humans, but how many had he killed? I felt guilty for thinking this, for I knew how much effort he was making and how difficult it was for him to control the instincts I didn't have. I had no right to judge him. But neither had he to judge the Quileutes, or whatever pack there may be. If they were protectors of their tribe, it was the opposite that was true: they were admirable.

Again, all of it was much to take. I needed more time to process it, to form my opinions, to get more information. I still couldn't picture the young, innocent Jacob, morphing into something so huge it could be mistaken for a bear.

More days and nights passed. Some I spent with Edward, talking endlessly about all the new things I still had to learn, or about innocent things, like his music collection. He told me a little of his family, his past, though he never went into much detail when we came upon that subject.

Some I spent alone in the guest room, which had sort of become my room. Edwards had sneaked into my old room at Charlie's to get my old and tattered compilation of Austen's works, along with some school things to keep me occupied.

It was now much easier for me to store information in my brain, and I only needed half the amount of time for the same amount of work. I quickly caught up with the other's help, and got ahead of the curriculum. I had also bought books during our shopping trip. But Jane Austen was still my favourite author, and I kept going back to her stories, smiling to myself as I remembered the last time I'd opened the book: back in Charlie's back yard on a rare sunny day. I'd been annoyed at the character's names, because they either were the same, or resembled Edward's name. It was still when I was trying to figure out what he was, what he was thinking, and why I was so obsessed with him.

Some of the time I spent with the others. I tried gardening with Esme, but even though I'd gotten more control over my body, I still managed to kill her plants.

Alice I liked to stay with very much. Even though all she wanted was to dress me and put make-up on me or organize little parties for no reason, our conversations while we did those things were always interesting. I liked hearing about her visions, about how people's decisions influenced the future. And I truly liked Alice. She managed to cheer me up most of the time.

Emmett, well, it was fun hanging out with Emmett. But Rosalie wasn't so happy with it, so I did not stay with him a lot. And Jasper, he was really good to me. He taught me more about vampire life and history than I could've imagined there was. He also helped me to keep my emotions under control, though I warned him when I wanted him to stop. I didn't like it when he numbed me too much, for it lessened my ability to think properly.

Lastly, Carlisle was more difficult. I actually only talked once to him alone in his study. He was always busy with work. Either he was at the hospital, or he was researching about patients, new medicines and technologies, and me. Yes, he'd plunged into old notes of his to try and find anything in his study of vampires that could help with my issues. But he did not have much, despite the long centuries he'd had to gather his data.

It was hard, because there was no official science of vampires. Of course, you will say, there is no such thing. But it made things very difficult. Carlisle could not know if there was anyone else, vampire or otherwise, who was researching this. He was virtually the only expert. He could not compare knowledge or exchange any thoughts. He had no regular contact with other vampires outside the Cullen family, and could not follow their physical problems. He could not do an dissection to discover the secrets of a vampire's body, for if a vampire died (was killed) it was torn into pieces and burned. As, I had been informed, had happened to James.

All this amounted to him knowing only very little about what sustained us, how we digested the blood, extracted the energy. How our tissue could regenerate endlessly without ever showing signs of age or wear. How our chemistry worked, our instincts. And so, my problems stayed a mystery, and I began to lose hope of ever finding an answer. As time went on, I needed Jasper more and more to calm my anxiety. Edward was in need of his services too. He paced around in his room when I was in the guest room. I knew, I could hear it. Everyone could.

Well, sometimes I didn't. Why? Because I was in bed in the guest room, asleep.

Yes, I was sleeping more and more, and feeling more languid too. It didn't matter whether it was day or night, but at times I felt so tired and without energy or vitality that I needed to lie down, and usually, it ended in me sleeping for at least several hours.

Each time I woke up from such naps, Edward was in a corner of the room, sitting in a chair or standing up, as still as the lifeless wall behind him. Usually he apologized for invading the space I needed from him, and told me he couldn't help but watch over me. It was as if he thought I would die in my sleep or something.

Was that even possible? Could a vampire die without being killed and burned? Could it die from natural causes, like starvation? That was what Carlisle was trying to find out, along with some way to get my body to accept blood, but he still had no answer for me.

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There, finished this chapter. I wrote until late into the night to get it finished and poster ;D


	7. Chapter 7

**A/n: **Thank you to all who read me, and to all who reviewed! I cannot help but beg for more, more and more of my food, my inspiration, my sustenance! Reviews!

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**Chapter 7: Red, Scarlet and Crimson**

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"Hey…mom…dad…uhmmm…you see…I'm a vampire." The smooth pale face frowned, the darkest eyes looked displeased. "Well, not exactly. I might…I mean…I don't drink blood or anything, but…I'll never age." The confusion grew stronger. The face stared back at me, cold and hard. "In theory, I'll still be seventeen at your funerals. But there's a chance I might die soon."

"Bella."

I jumped. I'd been so concentrated; I hadn't been able to hear Alice's feather-light footsteps. She leaned against the doorframe of the guest room, my room. Her arms crossed as she went on. "What in the name of God are you doing? We've all been listening to your speeches for the last hour or so."

I grimaced. Of course, it was the middle of the night, so everyone was home. I'd hoped maybe some were out hunting, or busy with their own things. I hadn't paid much attention to it.

As I came close to a month of vampire existence without sustenance, I felt more and more depressed, panicked, tired… And I had to admit, I was seriously thinking about…the end. However strong and resistant my vampire body was, without an input of energy, there was no way I was going to be able to face eternity. I could feel it. Something was draining out of me, sometimes slow, sometimes fast. And I'd started wondering if I didn't want to confess to my parents, the two most important people in my human life, before the definitive end came.

I'd been staring in the mirror, trying to see myself trough their eyes, trying to understand which differences they would notice most. And most importantly, how I could finally say it? How did you tell them what you were? How did you tell them all that was wrong?

The answer I'd come up with was: you can't. There is just no way you can get away with it and expect everything to go on, to be the same. Either way, I would break their heart. Whether I lived or died, they'd lost a daughter. I couldn't do that, could I? How could I even consider putting them in danger? Knowing the secret might put them in the line of sight of the Volturi. I'd heard they didn't tolerate humans knowing about them, unless they had plans for them.

"You're freaking out Edward." Alice whispered when I didn't answer her. She came closer so that her words wouldn't be heard by Edward who was probably in his room down the hall. Apparently, _my_ words had reached his ears.

"How do you know?" I wondered, worried about what Alice could have seen.

"Now he's contemplating what _he_ will do if you die." She replied, looking utterly displeased.

"I'm not going to die." I said out loud, intending for everyone, and mostly Edward to hear my reassurance. Question was if anyone would fall for it. It certainly wasn't how I felt.

Alice rolled her eyes at me, then pulled me onto the bed. I felt tired once again, and she let me put my head on her lap. "Sweety," she began as she played with long strands of my hair, "you're wrong about all of this. There _is_ hope, even though you don't feel it."

"How do you know?" I asked, hope reviving that she might have seen a solution.

"Because I can't see anything."

"It's dark?" That didn't sound good…

"No, no. I mean, nothing has set yet. If you were dying, I would see that path more clearly. All possibilities are still wide open. We have to let go and see what happens." She sounded more annoyed by that last fact than she wanted to show. Waiting for the future to come had never been an option for Alice, and she wasn't particularly happy to have to wait like everyone else to know what would happen.

I wasn't happy either. And all I wanted was some happiness, some relief. I felt so burdened, so anxious and worried, and guilty over what I was doing to Edward. I could see him being affected by every one of my actions, and it rarely was a positive reaction.

_If_, like Alice said all possibilities were open, so if I came to…no longer exist, how could I convince Edward to keep on going, to stay with his family? He couldn't let himself be depressed by my death. And in any case, I felt confident that after a mourning period, he'd pick up again, and go on. He had eternity to do so. The Cullens could survive anything, and certainly the death of an insignificant girl.

"You don't believe me, do you." Alice accused gently as my eyes drooped.

"Hmmm." I mumbled, already far enough that my mouth wouldn't obey me.

"I can see shadows." She whispered into the darkened room. My eyes flew open immediately and I tensed, looking around for what she had seen. "No, Bella." Her twinkly voice soothed me as she pushed my head back down. "Not here. In my visions." She explained. I heard reluctance behind that sentence, as if she didn't really want to admit that fact. "First I thought it was always you, walking on the edge, just over the horizon, but I've realized there are more.

Bella, there are players in this game that will have a great influence on all of our futures, but we don't know them yet. All I can say is that they're not human, or I would've seen."

"Other vampires?" I questioned, looking up at her face hovering over me.

"Maybe." She said thoughtfully. But she didn't seem convinced.

"Oh." I finally understood. "The werewolves." It was no longer a question.

Alice pursed her lips. "I've talked about it with Jasper." She admitted. "We both think that we have to be prepared to interact with them. But it's hard, because we can't imagine what would make our path and theirs cross."

"But we still don't know if they really are werewolves." I countered. "I mean, the animal sightings could've been prompted by overactive imagination, or maybe the hikers were so hungry they were hallucinating."

Alice shook her head, unconvinced by my argument. "It's too much of a coincidence that they would see something matching a werewolf's description in that area."

I fell silent, thinking about the wolves again. Alice didn't disturb me and let me slowly drift to sleep.

* * *

When I woke up, it was almost noon already, and there was an awful smell hanging around me, overshadowing a much more delicious one, my favourite one.

I knew instantly that Edward was by my side. Because of the smell, but also because he was always there whenever I woke up, except the rare times that Carlisle made him go to school to keep up a semblance of appearances. Edward's attendance record had plummeted disastrously. Not that anyone cared about that, but he had to be seen once in a while with the rest of the family, at the table in the corner of the cafeteria, where another girl might be staring at the five of them, mesmerized by the beauty and mystery of the picture.

"Bella?" His voice made me shiver. I loved that sound, it made me want to embrace him, to throw my arms around him right that instant and bury my nose in his hair, which smelled better than anything existing on the planet.

But at the same time, I was annoyed that he was there, _again._ His presence was troubling to me for some reason I could not fathom. It was not the same kind of unsettlement I'd had when I was human. It went deeper. There was something else. _Why can't I figure out what it is?_ I sighed in exasperation.

"Bella?" He repeated. Usually he always let me wake by myself; he never dared disturb my sleep. My curiosity was awakened by his apparent need for me to wake up.

I rolled over, coming face to face with…that face. A tiny bomb exploded in my head, fireworks everywhere. To me, his face was infinitely lovelier than Rosalie. Painfully so.

Edward's hair was flattened against the pillow. It was an unfamiliar sight, him lying on a bed. It was a comforting sight though, especially from my perspective. His face lightened up with a smile, but quickly turned to worry and sadness again. Why couldn't he just not care? Why did he have to kill me by being so affected? Why did he have to bury me in mounds of guilt and confusion?

His hand pushed back a few strands of my hair, lingering much longer there than was needed. His fingers brushing my ears felt warm and soft. I nearly closed my eyes again in delight. But I felt that there was something he wanted, so I waited for him to say it. Which he did after a few minutes.

"I brought you something." I watched his lips move as they formed the words. They were closer than usual. My behaviour had put a lot of distance between us.

For a moment, I was afraid he'd bought me something. I didn't want that. I had already weaselled my way into the family and the house, it was more than I deserved. But then I remembered that smell, it assaulted me once again. Something in the room, something warm, viscous, rusty. Oh, there was no doubt about it. Edward had brought me blood.

I did my best to hide my grimace as he rolled away to take something from the bedside table. And I couldn't help my body reacting to the news and the smell. It remembered all too well the last time it had been faced with the issue of blood. I felt my muscles tense in apprehension, and instinctively I shuffled farther away from Edward's body next to me.

When he turned back to me, his eyes took in my fear of him. I saw a glimpse of something pass through them, but he turned his head away before I could identify it. He kept looking at the ceiling as he handed me what he'd retrieved: a bottle.

The bottle was completely white and opaque, it was impossible to see what was in it. Nevertheless, there was no doubt in my mind about what it contained. The smell was coming from the lid, and the plastic was very warm in my hands.

"It's as fresh as it can be." He told me matter of factly.

I knew it was from an animal, but I did not have enough experience with hunting to know which one. The guilt came rushing back, guilt that a life had been lost. Edward must've seen it somehow (maybe he really had become an expert at reading my body language), because he said:

"Don't bear is alive. I did it the clinical way."

My eyes widened. "Wh…how?" I stuttered.

"I have three degrees in medicine, and one in veterinary medicine. I know how to draw blood without killing." His voice was distant and cold, and he still wasn't looking at me. I wondered if he was angry at me.

What he'd done, going so far as to keep the animal alive and bring me back the blood, it warmed my stone heart. I had to admit it was a ridiculous thing for me to feel, the guilt of taking an animal life. Surely, I'd eaten many animals during my human life. And the bear that Edward had allowed to live, might just be brought down by Emmett next week. But the idea that no one and nothing had had to die for me, by my fault, made the dark crimson liquid just a little less repulsive. It reassured me.

I had never expressed those feelings, that caring for the life we were absorbing from other creatures. I wondered how Edward had guessed. How had he found out? Through my body language too? Or…maybe I'd talked in my sleep?

In any case, it meant a lot to me that he'd respected my wishes, even the untold ones. "Thank you." I told him, sincerity flooding my voice.

It made him finally look at me. But his eyes were impassive, empty. He'd put a block somewhere on his own feelings, making them unreachable.

"I wanted you to try this at least once more, for you might not like what Carlisle is going to bring home today."

Curiosity flared up, with a strong sense of apprehension. Why would I not like what Carlisle had found? Would it put someone in danger? Would he have spent a lot of money?

Edward answered my questioning look. "Try this, okay?" He pleaded, his dark golden eyes melting into mine. His hand pushed the bottle closer to my lips.

I looked accusingly at the lid as I unscrewed it. _Urgh_. The smell was…a good idea of what the taste would be like. How could the others drink gallons of this stuff? How could they like it, _crave_ it?

I stopped breathing, hoping it would help somehow, as I slowly brought the bottle opening to my mouth and reluctantly took in a mouthful. The effect was immediate. My body tensed, my stomach contracted, and I wanted to spit it out. But I didn't want to dirty the room, and Edward's eyes were begging me. He wasn't forcing me this time, so I decided I could do this, if not for me, for him.

I swallowed and felt nausea overwhelm me as the liquid went down my throat. At least, it lessened the dryness of it, the burning I'd become almost accustomed to. It relieved the relentless thirst I'd lived with for a month already. I took a second gulp and grimaced.

By the third gulp, it was no longer mind over matter. No matter how much I willed it to stay in, my body convulsed. I ran into the bathroom adjacent to the guest room and bent over the toilet. The clear water and the porcelain-white were covered in translucent scarlet. Then a second wave came up and the water turned completely red. The sight and the smell of it, and the sound of my own dry-heaving made me dizzy, and even when I was already emptied, my stomach kept contracting painfully. I gasped for air in panic, but was unable to get any oxygen in. Luckily, it was not a real problem, but it worsened my panic attack. A remnant of human instincts was telling me I would die if I could not get any air in my lungs.

Within a second of me bending over the toilet, Edward was behind me, holding my hair out of the way, rubbing my back and whispering words of reassurance. When I gasped for air he pulled me into his arms, but he was unable to do anything more. He could not control my body's reactions. He was just as powerless as I was.

"It's all right, Bella. You tried, I'm proud of you." He kept saying as he wiped away the blood on my lips and kissed my hair. I held onto him for dear life, substituting the oxygen for the feel of him against me.

We stayed there, simply standing for hours. Edward seemed to be taking advantage of my sudden tolerance of his touch and nearness. I was just as satisfied that for once, I could enjoy it, I could hold onto him.

We only let each other go once Carlisle had parked his car and come up the stairs. Edward, knowing what Carlisle was thinking, took my hand and led me out of my room, to his adoptive father's study. None of us really needed to sit down, I wasn't that weak, but it made things more civilized. For serious matters, the Cullens always took the care to sit down.

"Did Edward tell you my idea?" Carlisle asked me from behind his desk.

I shook my head, and the young doctor threw a surprised look at his son. "I heard you thinking it this morning, but I wasn't positive you were actually going to go through with it." He offered as an explanation. "Besides," He hesitated for an eternity, considering we all lived at a much faster pace than humans. "I thought it better that she heard about it from you."

Carlisle nodded. I too understood what Edward had meant. The family leader had a sense of calm, diplomacy, and professionalism to him. He was the voice of reason among us, while Edward was notoriously dramatic and passionate. For certain things, it was better to hear the facts from Carlisle. And the current situation between Edward and me could have made things worse if he brought me particularly bad news.

The blonde man placed his briefcase carefully in front of him, opened it and took out a transparent plastic bag. It was filled with crimson liquid. And this time, it was obviously not from a bear, nor any other animal.

I had no idea what expression could be seen on my face. I had frozen into a living statue, my gaze fixed on the bag. Edward also froze next to me, his hands clenched into fists. I recognized his position. I'd seen it enough in biology, which to me had seemed like utter loathing at the time. It was only later, in the meadow, that I truly understood that it had been craving, more intense than any existing to humans.

"Bella?" Carlisle questioned, sounding slightly worried. "Are you all right?"

"No." I didn't move, just spoke the word.

"What's wrong?" He was ready to stand up and join me on this side f the desk. Edward's attention was torn away from the bag of human blood, his eyes full of worry on me.

"I meant: no, I cannot touch that." I shook my head, refusing categorically to cooperate in Carlisle's plan?

"Why?" He asked. "Does it repulse you even more than an animal's?"

"No," I answered thoughtfully, "it actually smells rather appealing, but it's far from edible. It smells intense, like gasoline, like pure alcohol. But it certainly isn't something I wish to put in my mouth."

"But you were able to try the bear's blood this morning." Edward interjected. "Human blood is supposed to taste much better. _Believe me._" His voice shook on those last words as he remembered. He unconsciously leaned closer to me. I retreated a little in response.

"She's afraid." All three of us turned. The door of the study had opened, revealing Jasper, who walked in, calmly and slowly, his eyebrows pulled up into a deep frown as he stared at me. "There's fear, but I don't know why." He sounded frustrated.

_Enough!_ I thought. What was this? An analysis of my psyche?

Suddenly, my legs had brought me down the stairs to the living room, where Esme and Alice were writing in notebooks. I guessed they were busy on some kind of mutual project. The three male vampires were quick to follow, Carlisle and Edward each with a bag of blood in hand. They put it down on the central table as Rosalie and Emmett joined the crowd. I tried not to be annoyed at having so many onlookers. I tried to remember that we were all family, all here to support each other, that it would be unfair and mean of me to want to exclude them from all this.

"Why are you afraid?" Jasper asked. He seemed deeply puzzled. Of course, the only thing he felt towards human blood was absolute craving, there was no room for any other emotion.

It was the first time since I'd become a vampire that I felt agitated, that I felt like I had to move, that I wasn't completely comfortable being absolutely still. I was on edge. I didn't like that they'd brought the blood down with them, as if they were facing me with it on purpose.

"Why don't you want to try it? We need to know if you are able to ingest this blood." Carlisle reasoned with me.

"Because!" I nearly yelled. I fought to keep my composure. It was weird; I wasn't usually a loud or aggressive. Had the vampirism changed my personality after all? "Until now, it seems I only got the hardware and not the software; the body without the instincts. But what if they're just not awakened yet? What if the taste of human blood, the food that my body is supposed to receive, triggers that instinct? What if I become a monster after this? What if I lose all my humanity at once?"

Everyone stared at me. I felt more like an outsider at that moment than I'd ever felt, even the first time I met the whole family. Carlisle was thinking, Jasper was analyzing, Alice was searching, Esme was worried, Emmet was stumped, Rosalie was disapproving, and Edward…was heartbroken. He looked like he was watching me die, or watching me go crazy. Maybe I was going crazy? Was the lack of nutrition making me paranoid? Would hallucinations be next?

After a prolonged moment of awkwardness, the doctor turned to the seer. "Alice?"

"I can't see what happens as long as she refuses to decide to try it." She shrugged apologetically. After Edward, she was the most in pain at the sight of me. I felt so pathetic. I felt so isolated and ridiculous.

"Try it." Edward said in what almost sounded like…a sob? _No. NO! Tell me he isn't CRYING!_

I couldn't watch that. I averted my gaze to look at the blood packs. When my eyes inevitably found his again, the expression had gone, replaced by that impenetrable barrier. He'd regained his composure. But if I asked Jasper, I was absolutely positive he would tell me Edward was in agony. He was just too passionate. It was going to kill him someday. _I_ was going to kill him, and it would kill me. Our lives were unexplainably inextricable.

I walked over to the table and picked up one of the packs. It felt lukewarm to my skin, so it was probably quite cold. I watched the blood squirm around as I kneaded the pack gently, to liquefy it more. I couldn't believe I was even considering this. Was I really going to break the Cullen's rule, not to mention an important moral norm? It just wasn't ethical.

"What if I can digest human blood?" I asked Carlisle. "Are you going to keep sneaking out donor's blood for me? Blood destined to save other's lives?" Again, I would stand in the way of that if I did this. I would indirectly be responsible for the loss of life.

"We will find a solution. If only we have more information about your condition, we'll b able to make informed decisions." As I'd said, the voice of reason.

If only my heart were still beating, it would've been ready to jump out of my chest by now. My breathing had certainly sped up once more. I brought the pack to my mouth, very slowly. Even more gently, I bit through the plastic, making a small hole to access the contents. The moment I ripped through, there was a sharp intake of breath from everyone around me, and then nothing. They'd all stopped breathing.

A trickle of scarlet came out from the small puncture. Suddenly, every pair of eyes was on it, except Carlisle again, who was the only one pretty much unaffected. The room was filled with blood-thirsty vampires once more. It made me feel human again. And I felt it, that a part of them, the monster in them, was ready to kill me on the spot to get what I had. Only now it wasn't in my veins anymore, but in my hands.

I was so very lonely, and penetrated by sadness. I brought the pack to my lips and sucked. I drank, as much as I could. But halfway through the pack, my throat flamed even more than before. The flames spread from my oesophagus to the rest of my body. I screamed in agony and dropped the pack. But instead of being paralyzed from the pain, I felt a surge of energy. Already the human blood filled me with strength. And I couldn't bear the other's stares anymore, couldn't bear the hunger in their eyes.

I was a few miles from the house before I even realized I'd started running. I had a head start, for the others had been too preoccupied with keeping control, especially Jasper, to come after me. I was as fast as on my first day as a newborn.

But the burst of energy couldn't last. The pain was unbearable, and my stomach acted up again. The blood soon found its way into the damp earth of the Olympic Peninsula. I wasn't very well aware of what I was doing. I'd never taken drugs, but I'd been drunk before. This felt similar.

I lost patches of time as I stumbled through the bushes. The blood having been rejected, I lost all of my energy at once, reduced to an almost human pace again. I kept going, not knowing what I was doing or where I was going until the forest began to thin.

"Bella?"

Who was it _this_ time who said my name? And why did I have to hear that name so much these days, always with that worrying tone!

I looked up, extracting myself from my daze. There, a tall silhouette flanked by trees. Somewhere in the background, I was aware of the sound of waves crashing onto a beach. The person who'd spoken came nearer, and my vision became clearer.

Oh yes. I had just run into Jacob Black.

.

.


End file.
